When You Want to Give Up

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“I think I’m going to give up,” I yelled, slapping my hands down on the couch cushions. My daughter looked at me from across the room, pulled the blanket up to her eyes and slumped down into the pillows on the opposite couch.

With my computer on my lap, screen glow bouncing off my reading glasses, I used up my last emotional straw on the dam of technical glitches I’d encountered over the last week. I threw my head back, closed my eyes and held my breath until all the words I wanted to spew slipped safely back inside my head.

A few minutes later, I realized that the very thing that caused my frustration was fixed. And really, this was the repetitive theme of my week: Giving up, prematurely.

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I’ve been thinking about Michelangelo since I heard a story about him shared from a platform last week. We all have stories you know? But this one, it’s sticking with me.

He was only twenty six when he began sculpting David.  For two years, he ate, slept and practically breathed creating his masterpiece. What I didn’t know? That classic sculpture was originally started by someone else and abandoned. For twenty five years.

It’s as if Michelangelo was born with a chisel in one hand and determination in the other. When someone asked him how he did it, how he was able to create a seventeen foot sculpture out of six tons of marble, he said he just “chipped away everything that wasn’t David.”

And just like Michelangelo, I think God is chipping away everything that doesn’t look like me. Is He doing that with you too?

This whole process of creating a new website is both exhilarating and frustrating, just like being a writer, a mother, and at times, a friend. And it’s taught me a lot about myself. When I’m faced with what I can’t control and don’t understand, I have a choice about how I’m going to respond. I can immerse myself in it open handed, learn from it and let it change me, or I can walk away and quit.

But I don’t want to be that nameless, faceless person who abandons his art when it feels too hard and overwhelming. Do you?

A friend of mine once said, If we live the sum of our lives within our own abilities, at the end of it, all we have truly known is ourselves. And God’s glory, our true joy, it most often lives in the holy place we’ve yet to experience, the city called Beyond Our Ability.

Before crawling into bed, I apologized to my family for the outburst. “It all worked out didn’t it,” H reminded me with a grin.

We are His unfinished masterpiece. Don’t walk away from the vision He’s given you before it’s fulfilled. Keep chipping away at your art, that thing God has called you to do that makes your heart sing. And just like Michelangelo, your persistence will pay off. Joy will find you.

Linking with Emily for the prompt Joy at Imperfect Prose and Jennifer for Tell His Story and Ann for Walk With Him Wednesday.

 

Listen to Your Tears

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Chills form on my forearm as I lean on the door throwing kisses to H and Harrison seated in the car. The cold wind whips underneath the garage door as it makes a slow descent, marking the start of a new day.  Turning around to silence, I pick up my cup of tea steaming on the kitchen counter and sit down at my desk to read the Psalms with a blanket over my knees. And I wipe away the tears streaming down my face.

I don’t remember a day in 2012 that I didn’t cry after my family left the house to begin their day.

After four decades of walking with Christ, my idealistic view of the faithful shattered in the duplicitous actions of leaders I’d grown to love.  It took a year of wrestling with the words of David to heal. He put meaning to my grief, forming sentences from the heap of hollow holiness strewn on the doorstep of my faith.  His laments, they helped me to find hope again.

Last week, as I sat in a conference space listening to Emily Freeman say listen to your tears, I realized that there are an entirely different kind of tears I hadn’t given a second thought.

Unlike tears of sorrow, she spoke of tears that come from a place deep inside, where the heart sings. And now, instead of trying to gather myself during a sermon or wipe off the mascara before it leaves black streaks on my cheeks in a movie theater, I’m paying attention.

“It’s not enough to say a story moved you but think about what it was about that story that moved you.  That is a hint to where you are most fully alive. They are not just tears, they are tiny messengers sent to tell you, here is where your heart beats strong, a hint to your design, your image bearing identity.”  ~Emily Freeman

Days before I listened to Emily, I sat in my pajamas scrolling through the ethereal photos on the website of a gifted photographer, piling up wads of wet tissue on my desk feeling ridiculous. On another day, I used my bed sheet to wipe my face while watching a documentary on a man of faith, living joyful without the use of his legs. It’s not uncommon for me to cry while witnessing a firefighter or policeman do his/her job.

Tears, that’s probably why I’ve watched The Holiday repeatedly. If you’ve seen it, you know Cameron Diaz’ character cannot cry for years until she experiences true love.

And I realized that redemption, it moves me to tears. Watching someone live it out is an act of worship. It’s how I know when I’m most fully alive. Because every time I see redemption present in someone else, it’s a reminder of the gift in my own life. The beauty of redemption, it makes my heart sing.

This year I’m smiling my way through the Psalms and laughing about the pile of tissues on my lap.

I’m just wondering, have you thought about your tears as tiny messengers giving you hints to the way God made you to bear His image?

Linking with Michelle, Laura, Heather and Jen.

From My House to Yours

When words are few and  hearts full, we sit with laps overflowing joy over what the Lord has done, turning the pages of days one by one. Sometimes we don’t need words to tell the story, our eyes glance upon illustration of His glory in the hush of the wait. And a quiet sigh is a paragraph.
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The Spirit and the Bride say, “Come.” And let the one who hears say, “Come.” And let the one who is thirsty come; let the one who desires take the water of life without price. . . . . The grace of the Lord Jesus be with all. Amen. Revelation 22:17 & 21

Breathing The Light

It’s a curious thing how a life extinguishes in the blow of a candle flame, while a baby takes his first step toward a father’s outstretched arms and another lays his fork on the side of an empty plate.

Dust returns to dust and the parched soul seeds left behind, they crack open in grief. And  He breathes the pain beating back to life, one dark moment at a time fading in the light of blinding love.

I looked into his soul and he allowed it.

The world’s waiting for the light, to be set free from the darkness.

Breathe. Inhale His grace. Exhale His glory.

A friend was prompted to pray for my family this weekend as she was listening to this song.  It blessed me so much I wanted to share it with you: 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mxqfDs-64I0&feature=youtube_gdata_player

 

Because We’re Better This Way

We cut the cake on together the day we sat in the car in the church parking lot and cried over destiny. When the pastor approached and asked you, the one with the architectural degree, if you had ever thought about ministry. His question unlocks the hope dream of future. We walk through the threshold of call, arm and arm.

We pack the moving van eight times, shake the hands of strangers in each new town, hang pictures, do laundry and pick out a refrigerator on the way to give birth to our first child . . .  side by side.

Each new position of authority, office to decorate, leaders to host, conference to lead, sermon to share; they are mine too.

Each job change, disappointment in friendship, milestone reached, ministry pioneered, words recognized by strangers, dream realized; they are yours too.

Their first words, first steps, tears shed, sleepless nights, angry fits, and side splitting laughter; we carry them in the pocket square of the heart together.

We have sprained our ankles on the cracks of life and braced ourselves leaning into shoulders. Sighed deeply in tangles of circumstances without answers, and laughed joy in redemption.

And for this girl who grew up between the torn page of two hearts in the first chapter of her life, who watched the world spin on the sidelines of alone, wondering if together only exists in the clouds of floating dreams and idealistic eyes. I am thankful for you my husband, the way we do life joined by the extended rubber band of union, stretching past our comfort zones and resting in faith. Together.

Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. 10 If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. 11 Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? 12 A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken. ~Ecc. 4:9-12

Joining Lisa-Jo for Five Minute Friday with the one word prompt: Together.

Of Fireflies and Smiling Glances

Light casts her ethereal glow shadows in early morning and I want to capture her like fireflies in jars. Put her on my windowsill to remember her hope when the clouds of mundane roll in and darkness hovers on the horizon.

Like the day Harrison and I sit bent over an IPod and phone passing time until his name calls for surgery. The appointment we didn’t plan for on his spring break.

I think about how this interruption will impact our day, how much time it will take away from other things, until the distraction of perspective walks through the door behind me. When two white collared EMT’s push a long gurney into the room holding a man lying flat on his back, cocooned in beige blanket.

His head wears snow halo on chocolate skin, breathing tube rests beneath his nose, and eyes fix target on the ceiling. I wonder why he is here alone in the office of a podiatrist.

My son keeps his eyes down on the game he holds in his hand. He’s about to have his toe cut on and just looking at this man, it makes him queasy.

A woman in a sheer red dress gets up, hobbles slow with cane across the room and stands over the frozen man. She leans in, right beside his face, and talks to him as if no one else exists in the room. His chestnut eyes, they roll to the side, meet hers and she teases him. “So you’re not going to talk to me today,” she laughs.

A burly man motions to her from where she was seated and pleads, “Grandma, come back and sit down.” She pretends she doesn’t hear him. Walks over to the row of chairs facing ours, sits down and smiles at me, waves her grandson over.

This kind of contented joy, it doesn’t usually present itself on the frame of worry.

We exchange smiling glances like a tennis match, so I ask her how long she and the man on the gurney have been married. The writer in me needs to know her story, how she can have this kind of peace when her husband lays there immobile. Before the calling of my son’s name echoes me back to reality.

“Fifty two years,” she says proud. Then she opens her jar of fireflies, and the gallery seated around the room hush in the glow of her story.

Esther tells me about her four kids, the one she lost to deep water in the inlet when she was seven. How she can’t go to the beach anymore because that day haunts her like living a bad dream awake.

She points to her grandson Steven, tells me she cared for him when he was two weeks old. And all the weeks following until he became an adult.

A few others know Esther as mother too. One with snowy white hair and another carrot topped. She says the family is still good to her but people raise their eyebrows when those kids introduce her as part of their family, now that they are grown up with children of their own who call her grandma.

And just when she starts to tell me about a time the family quietly accuses her of stealing a childs missing Easter dress, and I feel like Kathryn Stockett taking notes for The Help, the nurse stands with her clipboard in the open door and calls Harrison’s name.

I take Esther’s hand in mine and thank her. She tells me she wants my phone number and her grandson laughs. He’s heard this before. I tell him maybe I can take her out to lunch so I can hear more, because I’m sure she has enough stories to fill a book.

“You can take her to lunch, and she has hundreds of stories,” he smiles, “but she’ll come and pick you up.”

Today I captured the loving glow of wisdom and excavated joy let loose among the chairs of waiting.

We’re all fireflies with a story, waiting for the lid to be unscrewed in the ask, so our words can fly free and light up the room.

Also linking with Walk with Him Wednesdays, Imperfect Prose, Word Filled Wednesdays, Thought Provoking Thursdays.

Corrupting Joy

We decide to open one, just one gift on Christmas Eve. It would be the first time to do this and the anticipation in my fifth grade heart beats hard.  After we open one, we all decide to open another.  Then another. And before the night is over shreds of sparkly paper, ripped boxes and pieces of ribbon cover the floor.

I sit cross-legged among the aftermath, clasp the watch around my wrist. The gift I hoped for the most. The one that looks like a stack of brown squares with the tan vinyl band.  And suddenly all that joy turns into sorrow and my heart sinks like a ballon out of helium.

Christmas a few years earlier, I am alone in the house after school and I find boxes tucked away under clothes in the bottom of my mother’s closet.  Just a peek, I tell myself. It won’t matter if I know early.

And when I open the red suede ice skates on Christmas morning, lay them in my nightgown lap, she knows. I’m not very good at masking my true feelings. What intends to bring the surprise of joy is now a symbol of guilt. 

It does hurt, this needing to know before it’s time.

Because my impatience corrupts joy, circumvents redemption.

I wonder how many times I have done this in my lifetime. Made a decision, responded to circumstances from emotion in a moment of weakness, and missed out on knowing true joy.  Seeing redemption mend, heal, restore if I could just.rest.and.wait.

We can’t rush redemption. Decide when it is going to happen, how it is going to happen, polish it all neat and shiny and wrap it in the “I shoulds” the world insists upon.

We wait for it. Trust in the way it came to us laying in a straw-filled manger among smelly barn animals all those years ago and wait for it.  And at just the right time, embrace redemption the way it comes.

Because it will come. And when it does, we will be full of joy.

Linking with Ann, Emily and Jennifer today. I hope you will visit their blogs too.  Their words reveal true gifts as we walk through Advent.