When Fear Takes Over

As I wander in a fog off the heels of our first prom weekend, I’m preparing to speak this week at Jumping Tandem: The Retreat and visit England shortly after. This post is a visit to England almost a year ago and resonates through the conglomeration that is my current reality. Yep, fear is an unwelcome relative. I’m sharing it again, in hope that it will resonate with you too, whether you read it the first time, or with new eyes today. I look forward to sharing new thoughts on Wonderstruck this Wednesday. 

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Arms wrap around shoulders and cheeks touch goodbye one last time before I crawl into the passenger seat next to H. “Go ahead and cry now, you know you want to,” he says as we back out of the driveway, young arms waving wildly on the front lawn. And I do, I want to cry . . . every time.

An anniversary trip to Europe sings joy until the suitcases of reality load in the trunk and we pull away from secure and predictable. Anxiety reminds of what I hold on to that needs letting go.

Because I can sink into the couch of a well-planned schedule – the way they like their eggs cooked,  sandwiches made, the laundry folded – and miss His pulling back the welcome curtain to the world that doesn’t look like us.

Finding security in control of the small and predictable in the everyday, it tricks me into thinking I have any control at all.

Until we touch down on English soil, walk through customs into a world of taking seats on the opposite side of experience. It’s then that fear, the invisible third person in the car, joins me as a passenger to driving on the other side of the road. We clench together stiff along the narrow, winding journey of beautiful change.

Fear whispers questions in my ear about what might happen. What if we have an accident, if he inadvertently pulls into the right lane when it should be the left? Or if we lose control driving at high speeds. What then?

And if fear sits beside me, freedom smiles next to H looking at me puzzled. Because freedom rooted in generations walking out their faith doesn’t speak the language of fear.

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Fear is my unwelcome relative, part of the family tree for generations that shows up unexpectedly to parties I host for risk and adventure. He weezles his way into crowded thoughts, plants doubt when no one is looking, then spreads out safe and secure like a picnic with a basket full of excuses.

And the only way to release him from lurking around in the kitchen of cooked up dreams is to send courage in to tell him to go home.

Courage is the humble guest that sees clear through crowded rooms of fear. He understands the purpose in risk and adventure, sacrifices Himself to get there for love.

I choose to follow Courage careening narrow along stone walls flanking green quilts dotted woolly white.  Walk over fear to the other side of predictable along cobblestone streets and underground stares.  He knows where He is going, the way to get there. And the path looks a lot like love.

The act of courage calls forth infallibly that deeper part of ourselves that supports and sustains us. ~Steven Pressfield, The War of Art

Does fear keep you from fulfilling dreams? From experiencing adventure?

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Blindsided

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I lived the early years of my life wearing afraid like a worn out sweatshirt hanging off my shoulder. Afraid to come home after school, dreading the descent of the long gravel driveway to the front door of the house hidden in the woods for what I might find inside.

I slept with my head underneath the covers at night sweating off the fear of being alone. Grasped the frayed ends of afraid with one hand cupped to my pajama chest and let my fingers open on brave when I told the stranger that followed my mother home to leave my house.

I walked the hallways afraid I wouldn’t measure up, make the grade, be found out or realize my dreams.

Then I left that sweatshirt lying in a heap on the back side of the dilapidated barn door of my youth. Choosing courage over staying stuck.

I pushed out my chest and held up truth to pages of lies the generations before me believed. And followed my dreams.

Because Jesus didn’t come so we could be afraid. He came so we would have life.

I woke up this morning beside the man who loves me. Kissed the kids I bore. I sat in the stillness, closed my eyes and couldn’t remember the last time I uttered the word afraid.

I’ve been blindsided by redemption.

Joining Lisa-Jo for Five Minute Friday (because it seems like that’s all the time I have right now) for the one word prompt: Afraid.

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When the Question You Fear Most Gets Answered

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I’ve often wondered how I would handle tragedy, trauma, life threatening circumstances if they blindsided me. Have you?

Would I curl up into a ball of darkness and seep into the wallpaper, or respond from the deep well of faith, finding joy and thankfulness amidst the struggle? And perhaps that is the question I’m asking myself. How deep is my faith, really?

Last night I screwed in one of those spiral light bulbs into my bedside lamp and it made me realize how much I take for granted. It was actually the first time I’d done it, used one of those. My husband takes good care of me, doing mundane things around the house like updating my phone, putting lamps on timers, and replacing light bulbs when they go out.

He’s out of town. It took me three days of twisting the nob on the lamp without result, to go to the closet and get a new bulb.

He was out of town the night my forehead stuck to the steering wheel while the flashing glow of emergency vehicles bounced off the windshield and the ambulance drove off with my daughter. Alone to handle many decisions in the midst of a nightmare every mother hopes she won’t have.

Breathing deeply, scrolling through my cerebral files looking for someone to call at 1:30am for help. In those moments, I heard God, like a father talks to his child:

You often feel like you need someone else to handle the hard stuff, the stuff that overwhelms you, that you don’t think you are capable of doing on your own. You think other people are more equipped than you. And I’m showing you right now, that you can do this. Because I’m with you and I’m enough.

I inhaled deep, exhaled the self-doubt and turned the key to start the engine. I chose to believe him. Because he’s never wrong.

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I stared at the fireman pushing bits of metal and plastic from the front end of my daughter’s car into the median with his broom, mustering up courage for the journey. This drive to the trauma center, I knew it was about more than just doing what any parent would do for their daughter in the wee hours of the morning under the canopy of trauma.

He was giving me opportunity to screw in the new light bulb on my faith in order to see myself more clearly.  Not just for this moment, but for the fulfillment of His future plans for me.

Sometimes we just have to say yes. Yes to pushing past fear, the unknowns, the what- if’s, the self-doubt and the inexperience.  Because uttering the holy yes illuminates the path to destiny, allows the train of His robe to fill the temple of who we are, and push our comfortable stranglehold on life right out of the way.

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When I walked into the quiet hospital room void of color, her body lying still and strapped motionless, I grew into my adult self. Unafraid of tripping on the oversize pant legs of my indecision.

Death costs nothing and life costs us everything. He revealed her value the night  He chose to spare her. And I’m a bit undone over the miracle of it all.

He shows you how valuable you are too. When He gave up everything for you.

When she walks across the room to hug me for the third time today, I notice she looks at me differently. The way I hoped she would when I held her for the first time.

We all seem to notice the new light bulbs shining from the bedside lamp of our soul. And I don’t worry about the way I’ll respond to what blindsides me anymore. I have Jesus with me. And He’s enough.

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Linking with Ann, thankful for the gift of life, the way it costs us everything, and the way He gave His life for mine. For that light bulb going out and the realization of how much of what my husband does for us is taken for granted.

With my friends Michelle, Laura, Jen, and Eileen.

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What You Don’t Know Can Save Your Life

As I navigate back into some normalcy after a few days of company and sick kids, I’m re-posting one of my favorite stories. At least that’s what the stats tell me. Hope this Monday on the heels of holiday finds you well.

We have a nightly dinner ritual that makes me feel insecure on most days. No one is aware of it, except for me.  Because admitting it, that would be embarrassing.

My husband was born with an uncanny ability to remember facts. A plethora of facts on just about any subject.  After twenty-two years, I am still in awe, acutely aware of the fact that it is a gift. Even more grateful for the money he saves us because of all the things he knows how to do.

Most evenings, while I scoop food on plates, our kids engage him in conversation. Last night my daughter asked him to do a WWII alphabet list. I have to admit that if she would have asked me, I’m not even sure I would have made it to letter D.

My silence probably clues my kids in to the reality that their mom doesn’t remember most of what she learned in school after fourth grade. Because when you are in charge of your own life, play the role of parent before you know how to drive a car, food and security take priority over the leadership of Hitler and mathematical equations.

What I remember most about school is how safe I felt in the classroom.  That the stiffness of worry I held at home, fell off during those hours seated at a desk among my friends. Truthfully, I didn’t care as much about what the textbook said, than the assurance of a safe place,  just in case I found myself alone or in danger. The fact that I made good grades, that is grace I don’t take for granted.

And after school, it wasn’t milk and cookies, and doing homework around the kitchen table with some help. I walked home to an empty house. Sometimes my mother met me inebriated on the front lawn, to greet my friends.

I can’t remember how to do geometry and I don’t quote facts about history. I would be one of those people we laugh about on Jay Leno, if he met me on the street and asked a random question.

But I can tell you how to hear God in your room at midnight when your house is full of strangers and smells of marijuana and beer.  How to hear him when you need to choose which school to attend, whether you should marry the man who asked you, and how to make a decision when it involves moving across the country to live in a place you have never seen before – three times.

I can help you to identify that still small voice of the One who created you, knew how your life would turn out even through the hardship. That voice wants to tell you how much He loves you now.

I can assure you that you most certainly are not your circumstances; that the power of God who raised Christ from the dead lives in you if you asked Him to.  And that nothing you face today is too difficult for Him.

And when I listen to the conversations about wars, cars and debates over historical facts, I sit with embarrassment about my lack of contribution . . .  with gratitude. Because those three people seated around my kitchen table, they are teaching this Mom and Wife all the things I missed.

They are the beauty of my redemption.

There is no end of the road, closed door, or circumstance too difficult for redemption to do its work. That fact, I know it well.

Linking with Ann today and counting thanks in my girl who continues to recover from a horrible accident less than two weeks ago. The way God is using it to reveal himself to us and to others. For our family who flew in from Ohio on a clear day and sat around a full table of food to give thanks. I’m thankful for antibiotics that make my girl with strep feel better in 24 hours and for my son who makes me laugh on a regular basis. For warm showers, heat in the car on a frosty day and for the way none of us seem to take anything for granted, and find gratitude in the simple things of life.

Will You Join Me?

I feel it in the shift of falling leaves, the bird feeder swinging in the cold breeze scattering seeds among the pine needles and crunchy embryos of summer’s bounty. I hear it in your voice, the way your soul lays down with the setting sun, lying there cold and exposed. Wondering how the world will look with the spin of tomorrow and the winds howling for change.

How do I matter? We’re all part of this collective choir of silent stares, waiting for the answer. Grasping our hands around the finial at the bottom of the staircase, worrying if we’re dressed appropriately for the occasion of transformation. All invitation, no details.

We’ve opened the treasure chest of props to mask the pain of our wounds. Discarded them like dangling acorns letting go in order to live again. Tempted to collect them in the skirt of our apron, put them in jars for safe keeping when the enemy taunts with the familiar tale of fear.

Letting go isn’t for the meek and mild. We’re white gloved to the elbow in brave, resting our arm on the courage of the King. Taking slow steps forward, shoulders squared, balancing the tiara of trust.

Those clanging windows blown open in dirty circumstance no longer require our attention. We’ve traded the chill of doing things our own way, to buckle down in peace preparing for glory beside the fire.

Are you ready to enter the incandescent room of calling, to be presented to the world of grace? He’s holding you by the hand as you bow to the audience before him. Will you turn around to grasp the latch on the trunk of familiar comfort or bask in the smile on his face?

We’re stepping over the threshold to freedom together tomorrow as we finish this leg of the race. Will you join me?

Linking with Jen and Eileen today.

I can hardly believe it, this is #30 in the series 31 Days of Letting Go. Tomorrow is our last post in the series and I hope you’ll come by to celebrate all that God has done. You can read the collective here. Subscribe to receive the series in your inbox or feed by adding your address in the side bar under Follow Redemptions Beauty.

 

Trust, Tenacity, and Letting Go of Fear

A Lesson In Trust

My hands wring sweaty, clamped around the steering wheel, heart beating towards suffocation. A blanket of anxiety drapes over my shoulders, down my legs, as we drive over the Ravenel Bridge into Charleston. I turn to my teenage daughter and tell her to start talking to me. I need a distraction.

“I have this irrational fear honey,” I explain, “it started almost twenty years ago . . .”

“I know Mom,” she interrupts, “you’ve told me about it before.”

She reads the directions I printed out. Knowing what to expect helps the fear diminish, even though I listen to the voice of the GPS.

As we take a left turn to exit the bridge, my nervous laughter breaks the tension and she catches the contagious giggles.

How It All Started

Almost twenty years ago, fear settled over me while behind the wheel of my Toyota Celica on a small bridge in Jackson, Tennessee. H drives behind me, in an un-air-conditioned moving van with all our possessions, his mother sits in the passenger seat.  We were making a cross-country move from Phoenix to Cleveland, Tennessee as newlyweds, entering the season of seminary.

I swerved off the road, overcome with sudden anxiety and nearly escaped a collision with the face of a rocky mountain. H missed the rear of my car by inches.  And even though God continues to move us to islands connected by bridges, I avoid driving over them whenever possible. Until my friend Kelly called to say she is coming to town on a visit from Colorado.

Kelly and I, we’ve been friends for almost twenty years. Before her wedding and our collective five children, we linked arms on the pilgrimage of missionaries to join Youth with a Mission. Five household moves ago, we shared the foundational years of planting our spiritual roots in leadership. The last time we were together our boys slept in infant car seats. I wasn’t about to let crossing a bridge steal this opportunity.

From Fear to Freedom

Sometimes we must revisit the areas of greatest challenge and deepest wounding for the purpose of cultivating deeper trust in Jesus. Because salvation is an ongoing process of learning how to let go and trust. And those who trust become trustworthy.

I want more than anything, for God to know I am trustworthy. So when the enemy of the soul taunts with “We’ve already dealt with this so why are you here again” and “This Jesus stuff doesn’t work” I hold on to trust with a death grip.  Because Jesus, He will save me from myself.

I kicked fear to the curb on a bridge that day and looked trust in the eyes around a café table and pastries with our teens. Today trust is born on a writing journey with a dream. I’m engaged in a stare down I’m planning to win.

If I believe that He holds my life in His hands, then what have I to fear?

Do you struggle with letting go of fear? How do you let go?

This is a re-written post, in case it sounds familiar.

Linking with Ann to count gifts of cool air, rainy days, a good book on the porch, a husband who makes dinner, friends visiting from Asia and Africa, the continual God-incidences here on the blog and for my coach Terry Walling, who lifts my arms when they are weary.

With friends Laura and Michelle too.

This is #29 in the series 31 Days of Letting Go. You can read the collective here. If you are a writer, I invite you to link up any post you’ve written on the theme of letting go in the comments on Friday. Subscribe to receive the series in your inbox or feed by adding your address in the side bar under Follow Redemptions Beauty.

When Letting Go Hurts

The call came in the middle of the detergent aisle in Wal-Mart. I heard him say the unthinkable and bent over my cart of pumpkins and Ziploc bags, balanced my elbows on the handle and rested my forehead in my hands. I wanted to cry but I was in Wal-Mart.

My hard drive crashed and all I can think about are the photos I took on our trip to England a few months ago. Over a thousand photos – including the castle of my ancestry – could be gone. I neglected to back up my files over the past few months, slipped my mind in the busy.

I push the cart down the aisle of bath towels looking for a shower liner for my son’s bathroom. Can’t read the price tags for the blurry mess in my eyes.

“Lord, is this a lesson in letting go for me,” I ask Him.

My sleeve wears the heartbreak and I inhale until it hurts, stand with shoulders a bit taller through the check out. And I can’t stop thinking about the possibility of what I could lose as I hoist bags of bread and cartons of milk back into the cart.

Tears sneak under my sunglasses on the walk to the car, a steady drip in the dam before it bursts open in heaves over the steering wheel.  

And I remember reading these words this morning, before I took a walk under mossy beards hanging from Live Oaks, when I fell in love with the light through my lens:

Enjoy my good gifts, but don’t cling to them. Turn your attention to the Giver of all good things, and rest in the knowledge that you are complete in Me. The only thing you absolutely need is the one thing you can never lose: My Presence with you. ~Sarah Young, Jesus Calling

Whatever is good and perfect comes down to us from God our Father, who created all the lights in the heavens. He never changes or casts a shifting shadow. ~James 1:17

I’m feeling a bit small seeing the reflection of myself blocking the light with what I cling to. He knew that I would feel this way today. That’s why I know I can let go.

I hope you’ll link any post you’ve written on the theme of Letting Go in the comments today. Here are a few posts on the topic I enjoyed this week:

Sarah lets go of what she thought her life would look like to embrace this season of glory. “Who would ever want to be imprisoned in the short, stubby dreams of their younger, less-knowing self?”

Michelle trades time for a square inch of silence. “When’s the last time you heard not Twitter chirps and cell phone beeps and garbage trucks, the swish of the dishwasher, rumble of the dryer, scream of the jet overhead…but the taptaptap of the downy woodpecker, the hush of wind in your ears, the gurgle of water over river rocks, the click of a beetle’s wings?”

Duane shares a haunting tale of his soul flying free in Haiti, “So I come to you today, friends, broken and so admirable of God’s grace and I wonder where I’ve been all my life, why I’ve locked myself out to the darkness of the world because I’ve also locked myself out of an authentic redemptive story and maybe I’m not the only one.”

This is #12 in the series 31 Days of Letting Go. You can read the collective here. If you are a writer, I invite you to link up any post you’ve written on the theme of letting go in the comments here on Friday. Subscribe to receive the series in your inbox or feed by adding your address in the side bar under Follow Redemptions Beauty.