Blindsided

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I lived the early years of my life wearing afraid like a worn out sweatshirt hanging off my shoulder. Afraid to come home after school, dreading the descent of the long gravel driveway to the front door of the house hidden in the woods for what I might find inside.

I slept with my head underneath the covers at night sweating off the fear of being alone. Grasped the frayed ends of afraid with one hand cupped to my pajama chest and let my fingers open on brave when I told the stranger that followed my mother home to leave my house.

I walked the hallways afraid I wouldn’t measure up, make the grade, be found out or realize my dreams.

Then I left that sweatshirt lying in a heap on the back side of the dilapidated barn door of my youth. Choosing courage over staying stuck.

I pushed out my chest and held up truth to pages of lies the generations before me believed. And followed my dreams.

Because Jesus didn’t come so we could be afraid. He came so we would have life.

I woke up this morning beside the man who loves me. Kissed the kids I bore. I sat in the stillness, closed my eyes and couldn’t remember the last time I uttered the word afraid.

I’ve been blindsided by redemption.

Joining Lisa-Jo for Five Minute Friday (because it seems like that’s all the time I have right now) for the one word prompt: Afraid.

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Surrendering to Sabbath – Week 3

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The process of eating together reveals our humanness, pulling back the façade of our self-sufficiency. In the simplicity of asking someone to pass the butternut squash, we’re reminded we don’t just need food but each other. We cannot go it alone. ~Margaret Feinberg, Wonderstruck

 The table, it’s where it begins. We light the Shabbat candles and the veil falls over time. Exhale a trail of busyness, inhale His rest. We linger longer under the spell of conversation uncorked in the settling.

And while we feed our bellies, we become aware of our misplaced hunger. Where our appetites have gone awry among the slog of the schedule; failing to stay hungry for the eternal, overstuffed with today.

This weekend, may we feast on His goodness and enter His rest.

 Be still and know I am God. ~Psalm 46:10

 

Want to join the Surrendering to Sabbath Society? We’re a sisterhood of  52, encouraging one another to rest. It all started here.

Some inspiration from the sisterhood around the web this week and worth a click:

Heidi writes about The Practicality of a Sabbath Pause and she shares her challah recipe here.

Kristin lists some resources for A Mealtime Make-Over at the MOB Society. And don’t forget about 52 Sunday Suppers.

Margaret Feinberg shares Leif’s Almost-World-Famous Green Chile Chicken recipe on her blog this week, the one she writes about in Wonderstruck that makes me salivate.

Jane writes about how she sees Sunday a bit differently since joining the Sabbath Society.

 

On Manhood: A Letter To My Son

As we focus on the inauguration of our President and a holiday set aside for Martin Luther King Jr., a man representing courage, I’m thinking about leadership and what it means for me, to parent my boy into a man. 

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What do I need to tell my son about being a man? It’s what I think about as I stare at the single candle flickering in front of my brothers 8 X 10, a tight frame capturing his far-away eyes. Sometimes I know by looking, just a glimpse in the eyes, about the tale of the soul.

The way I knew her marriage wasn’t well the day she walked up to the swivel chair and looked at me in the mirror. The way I knew his heart hurt when he crawled into the passenger seat after school.

My brother’s eyes changed after he drove his mother’s car off the bridge that night.  It was my week of the summer to be his sister in real life.  After I went back home to my mother, the sibling relationship, it became a paragraph in books of stories I never read.

His body crosses into eternal, drugs invade like a thief with a key to the front door. I still remember the boy I called brother in footed pajamas, scooping chocolate refrigerator pie into his mouth at the kitchen table.

The day we got the call about my brother’s death, my son shoved four friends into lake water, blew out candles on thirteen and grew hair in new places.

And somewhere between their two lives, waves a prairie of pages scattered like tumbleweed.  Pages on the wisdom of manhood I’m collecting like a book in my mind to give to my son when he crosses the threshold.

Paragraphs that tell you how a woman will love a man deep, when he stands up for what is right and true, despite the pain of rejection and risk of reputation.

Being honorable to the watching world is more appealing than being honored. Because when you love people more than a big house, your golf score and the size of your biceps, you’ll settle into your spot in the world. The address of Fulfilled spelled out on the mailbox.

When voices shout for you to join the club of doing in order to succeed, there will pages of prose reminding you that success listens to the whisper of being.

Because affirmation, the kind that sticks like gum on the bottom of your shoe, it doesn’t happen with the applause of crowds.  It cheers from an audience of One.

And that One, He wept and asked for help from twelve people with weaknesses, just like you.

I’ll bind the strewn pages of manhood, string them tear stained leather. Slide them into your suitcase when you aren’t looking.  And perhaps when you turn around to wave goodbye, I’ll have the privilege of hearing the mother’s heart song in your eyes. Look into the reservoir that tells the tale of the soul and embrace the silence.

As we celebrate Martin Luther King Jr. today, a man with a legacy of courageous leadership, what advice would you give a boy growing into manhood?

A repost from September 2012.

Begging for Mercy

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On this third Sunday of Advent I echo Mary’s exclamation, “Oh, how my soul praises the Lord,” but my heart beats heavy and I proclaim it through tears. I watch the news, witness innocence slain in the presence of evil and I don’t have to sit across from a mother at her kitchen table to understand her sorrow.

And I don’t want to be one more voice adding to the crowds giving opinion but I will join the collective cry at heaven’s gate, begging for mercy and waiting for His return.  Because we need a Saviour, more than anything else this Christmas. We need a Saviour who bore our sin so that we can live free.

Will you join me in bending our hearts to prayer for the families of the twenty- eight who died on Friday in Newtown, CT? May we rejoice in knowing He is good, even in tragedy.

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What You Don’t Know Can Save Your Life

As I navigate back into some normalcy after a few days of company and sick kids, I’m re-posting one of my favorite stories. At least that’s what the stats tell me. Hope this Monday on the heels of holiday finds you well.

We have a nightly dinner ritual that makes me feel insecure on most days. No one is aware of it, except for me.  Because admitting it, that would be embarrassing.

My husband was born with an uncanny ability to remember facts. A plethora of facts on just about any subject.  After twenty-two years, I am still in awe, acutely aware of the fact that it is a gift. Even more grateful for the money he saves us because of all the things he knows how to do.

Most evenings, while I scoop food on plates, our kids engage him in conversation. Last night my daughter asked him to do a WWII alphabet list. I have to admit that if she would have asked me, I’m not even sure I would have made it to letter D.

My silence probably clues my kids in to the reality that their mom doesn’t remember most of what she learned in school after fourth grade. Because when you are in charge of your own life, play the role of parent before you know how to drive a car, food and security take priority over the leadership of Hitler and mathematical equations.

What I remember most about school is how safe I felt in the classroom.  That the stiffness of worry I held at home, fell off during those hours seated at a desk among my friends. Truthfully, I didn’t care as much about what the textbook said, than the assurance of a safe place,  just in case I found myself alone or in danger. The fact that I made good grades, that is grace I don’t take for granted.

And after school, it wasn’t milk and cookies, and doing homework around the kitchen table with some help. I walked home to an empty house. Sometimes my mother met me inebriated on the front lawn, to greet my friends.

I can’t remember how to do geometry and I don’t quote facts about history. I would be one of those people we laugh about on Jay Leno, if he met me on the street and asked a random question.

But I can tell you how to hear God in your room at midnight when your house is full of strangers and smells of marijuana and beer.  How to hear him when you need to choose which school to attend, whether you should marry the man who asked you, and how to make a decision when it involves moving across the country to live in a place you have never seen before – three times.

I can help you to identify that still small voice of the One who created you, knew how your life would turn out even through the hardship. That voice wants to tell you how much He loves you now.

I can assure you that you most certainly are not your circumstances; that the power of God who raised Christ from the dead lives in you if you asked Him to.  And that nothing you face today is too difficult for Him.

And when I listen to the conversations about wars, cars and debates over historical facts, I sit with embarrassment about my lack of contribution . . .  with gratitude. Because those three people seated around my kitchen table, they are teaching this Mom and Wife all the things I missed.

They are the beauty of my redemption.

There is no end of the road, closed door, or circumstance too difficult for redemption to do its work. That fact, I know it well.

Linking with Ann today and counting thanks in my girl who continues to recover from a horrible accident less than two weeks ago. The way God is using it to reveal himself to us and to others. For our family who flew in from Ohio on a clear day and sat around a full table of food to give thanks. I’m thankful for antibiotics that make my girl with strep feel better in 24 hours and for my son who makes me laugh on a regular basis. For warm showers, heat in the car on a frosty day and for the way none of us seem to take anything for granted, and find gratitude in the simple things of life.

Counting Crumbs

I stood on the tarmac and watched my uncle pilot the red belly of the plane right into the blue, floating to a pencil point while we drove pavement back home. Pulled bins labeled mantle and living room from the attic and twinkled branches until sunset. Sat round four plates of turkey and cranberry on white thankful.

H chased the boy round the house with pumpkin pie hands, bearded his face whipped cream. And we laughed silly over it all.

We’re eating the leftovers from the miracle of last week. And they still taste like they were pulled right from the oven.

Sometimes awe looks like the crumbs on your plate and smile on your face, the way her chest rises and falls on the couch covered up in a blanket in the middle of the day.

What does it look like at your house?

Happy Sunday Friends!

 

Hand Over Mouth Thankfulness and Awe

We’re cozied up together with family tonight, pulling bread apart, pushing the spoon around a skillet of sizzling onions and celery for the stuffing while pumpkin and pecan cool on the counter. Passing the box of cookies sent with love to Murielle as she recovers from the accident. All rubbing our eyes at the end of some fast and furious days of fielding interruptions by claims adjusters and junk yard dogs, ironing tables cloths and standing in line at the grocery store for the third time.

The story I wrote about Murielle’s accident, the way God saved her life that night, it was selected to appear on Freshly Pressed, the WordPress.com home page where 390 million people view 3.8 billion pages a day. When there are 31.7 million new posts each month, I’m feeling a bit humbled. We’ve stood with our hands over our mouths, shaking our heads in the glory of it all. How God can take a horrific event and redeem it into a thing of beauty.

Hundreds say it’s beautiful over and over again in the comments, like a book of days declaring His faithfulness. And you just can’t plan that kind of awe.

Tomorrow, when I scoot my chair into the table of steamy turkey straight from the oven, flayed open white, I won’t worry if the gravy is lumpy, the potatoes undercooked, the decorations perfect. I will remember the day I nearly lost my only daughter. We’ll hold hands around the table and thank him that we have life, that miracles aren’t  just for fairy tales.

And I’ll thank Him for each of one of you too. For the way you’ve buoyed us in bending your knees on our behalf. Giving thanks takes on new meaning for us all this year. I’m not sure we’ll ever be quite the same. At least I hope not.

Happy Thanksgiving Friends!