When You’re Not As Vulnerable As You Think You Are

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We got to church early, knowing it would be a different Sunday.

Crowds were gathering in London from all over the world and H was warned that there might not be enough seats for everyone. He sat in an aisle seat and I placed my purse, camera, and coat on six chairs between us. Saving seats for the family of my best friend LuAnn, who just happened to be in England from Kansas the week we were scheduled to be there for a conference. We were checking off the proverbial bucket list; girlfriends worshipping together in a place we’d only dreamt about.

While we waited for their arrival, I became enthralled with watching people. The diversity they wore in their clothes, the cadence of accents representing places I’ve never been — it was like hearing a favorite forgotten melody, lost among the provincial white paint of my hometown. Dusty doors of my soul were creaking open when the voice of a teenager seated in front of me broke into my wandering thoughts.

“Are you having a good day,” he asked me holding a pastry in one hand, plastic cup in the other. He was still chewing when he turned around with the inquiry.

“Oh,” I said startled, “Yes, so far, I’m having a great day.”

He nodded and smiled, took a sip of his drink while small sleepy children were being herded into seats next to him by their au pair. “Are you here for the conference,” he asked.

I said yes and told him we’d been in England for more than a week already, visiting friends and seeing some new places.

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Through our brief exchange, I learned that he is the age of my son and recently moved to England from Austria. He likes his new school, is making friends and his family loves HTB so much they go to two services on Sunday. Then I met his mother who seems just as genuine as her son.

At first, I found it curious that a teenage boy would strike up a conversation with a middle-aged woman wearing a faraway look. Perhaps he wanted to meet an American I thought smugly.  Or maybe he has an ulterior motive, like money. But he kept asking me questions. And I kept thinking that my son would rather eat worms than talk to strangers. He’s an introvert.

It turns out that a teenager can be genuinely interested in conversation with someone a few generations older without motive. So why is that so hard to believe?

Probably because I don’t do that. I don’t talk to people I don’t know at church that way and I don’t expect it from my kids.  Because that means being vulnerable with the possibility of rejection. And I don’t go to church to be uncomfortable.

Ouch.

Sometimes it takes travelling across the world, seated among strangers to realize you aren’t as vulnerable as you think you are. Because speaking the truth and being vulnerable are not the same thing. And He loves me (and you) enough to reveal the difference.

Our willingness to own and engage with our vulnerability determines the depth of our courage and the clarity of our purpose; the level to which we protect ourselves from being vulnerable is a measure of our fear and disconnection. ~Brene Brown, Daring Greatly

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Linking with Laura, Jennifer, Jen, Heather, and Emily.

Listen to What They Aren’t Saying

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“How are you,” I ask.  She looks up from wiping the sink, into the mirror to get a look at me. Then she leans her whole body sideways, finishes swiping the white enamel canoe shaped sink until the bowl is spotless.  She smiles and says she is fine. I linger because I sense something more.

Her round cheeks permanently flush, like someone wiped their finger stained with lipstick across them. Her skin is so pale it nearly matches the color of the thin white blouse she wears, making her blue eyes noticeable.

“It’s almost time to go home,” she says.

I turn around with dripping hands looking for the towels and empathize, “You must be counting the minutes then.”

She pulls herself up, moves over to the next sink in the trio and tells me she will be going to the hospital to visit her granddaughter when she gets off.

I hesitate, look in the mirror on the opposite wall and realize we’re the only ones in the bathroom at the Delta Club now. Just outside the door the room is full of travelers speaking different languages. Sitting with their luggage at white plastic tables, eating plates of carrots and salmon sandwiches shaped like rectangles. Somehow, it feels like I’ve entered a sacred portal.

I ask Jesus what He has in mind for these moments that I’m alone in the restroom with an airport employee.

“Oh, she must be quite sick,” I respond.

In less than a minute, I learn that her granddaughter is sixteen, her name is Courtney, and the doctors think she suffers from appendicitis. Except that there are signs of internal bleeding too. She can’t even hold water down.

I tell her I have a seventeen year old daughter and can imagine she must be worried sick. “That sounds serious,” I say.

She makes eye contact with me.

“I’ll pray for your Courtney,” I tell her. She looks down, fiddles with the wet paper towel she is using to clean and mumbles something quietly, then starts wiping the third sink, the one I just used.

“Thank you for praying,” she says sheepishly.

It only takes a minute to be vulnerable and lead someone to the presence of God.  I think about how many times I’ve asked someone that question, “How are you?”, and didn’t wait long enough to hear the answer. Or God speaking.

We’re all longing for someone to listen. Because very few of us are just fine.

So, how are you?

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Linking with Michelle, Laura, Jen and Heather.

 

Surrendering to Sabbath – Week 18

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H and I hold hands along the foot path, stopping every few feet to capture what is new to us. There is something beautiful about misted color and the wisdom of trees holding time in the hollows of their trunks. Vines twist upward, gnarl around her branches creating a holy haven for fowl in winter.

The unmanicured canopy of creation, it lays out like a pile of pixie sticks falling exquisitely random and untouched by human hands.

Canal boats drift steady, snoring sleepily between banks flush with green moss and upside down teacups hanging from stems like crooks of tiny folded umbrellas.

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We’ll remember our twenty-third wedding anniversary in England. The quiet Sabbath stroll we took down the lane, next to a meadow of dandelions. Where we realized we’ve been on a grand adventure with God at the helm since we said, “I do”.

And it’s been a good ride. I’m leaning in. And waiting.

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May you look back today and realize that God is and always has been with you, in the silence and grief, in the adrenaline rush of joy fulfilled, the promise of tomorrow, and in the hope of future dreams. He redeems the weeds and makes them beautiful.

Happy Sabbath Friends!

Click on the tab “Sabbath Society” to learn more about the sisterhood.

 

Taking Comfort in Nonconformity

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I have a hard time letting go. It’s why I wrote about it for 31 Days.

I find myself thinking I need to twist and turn and conform to some better version of me. Usually in the afterglow of feeling confident. It’s a place I seem to return to often, a conversation with myself like the lines of a play I’ve memorized all my life. My intonation and voice never quit good enough. To me.

H and I wind our way into the center of city life on the wrong side of the road. The chaos and nonconformity makes me feel at home and strangely significant, uniquely fitted among the messy and broken fragments of life.

We walk pressed together under the canopy of an umbrella H holds over us, rain spitting from heaven. But I want to feel it, cold and wet on my face.

The gold chain of my purse hangs diagonal over my black overcoat, white polka dot scarf loosely wrapped around my neck. Rows of black bowler hats idle in front of Harrods waiting to be haled for their paycheck. But we keep walking the familiar path we traveled the same week last May.

Choose the square table for two in the large plate glass window, next to the family speaking English with heavy accents. The family behind us speaks French. Or is it Italian?

“You sit facing the window,” H says, “so you can watch people.”

We order gnocchi and stems of chianti, sipping and savoring time. And suddenly, someone nearby screams a sneeze at an unusually high decibel. And the entire restaurant breaks out in corporate laughter.

Perhaps we find ourselves best in the comfort of what isn’t home.

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Joining the Five Minute Friday community at Lisa-Jo’s with a snatch of time from our journey through England this week. Pictures from Oxford and surrounding villages. The word prompt is Comfort.

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How Being Brave Changes Your Life

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“You know the reason we all know each other,” I ask during our lazy afternoon conversation, bare feet propped up on the coffee table. “Because we were all brave and said yes to living outside our comfort zone.”

We’re six sprawled out in chairs and couches huddled tightly in the living room at Hope Cottage, basking in the afterglow of Sunday dinner, fighting sleepiness to linger long in conversation. Seven years pass since we did this last time. Our family stopped through England for respite on our way home from Rwanda.

Eyebrows collectively arch, like a dash or an ellipsis in our conversation. Then suddenly, nods of agreement become contagious. I didn’t realize it until that moment. How our life choices in response to the unseen, unplanned, and uncharted opportunities in life yield the gift of enduring friendships with people scattered across the globe.

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Twenty years ago, we met for the first time on a quiet, starry night in Colorado as they stepped off the train, tired newlyweds with attractive British accents. Now we sit together laughing in their parents living room about my inappropriate use of the word yard to refer to their lush garden.

We each walked away from predictable paychecks, the security of social ties, and the familiarity of family and perceived future success to be missionaries living on the mercy of kindness. Or as full-time missionaries say, “We lived on support.”

And we learned that trust means believing that miracles are tangible for everyone, not just the chosen few. It’s what I thought of when I read Margaret’s words:

Too many of us play and pray it safe. We allow our aspirations to stay in our heads, our goals to remain barely outside our grasp. Life becomes a series of unrealized hopes and dreams. Rather than engage in the fullness of life, we remain on the sidelines and pass up uncounted opportunities. Our fears become greater than the hope of the One who came to bring us abundant life.

Perhaps this epiphany on the day H and I celebrate our twenty-third wedding anniversary is a greater gift than the silver plated trinkets tradition says that we should get. Risking reputation and security to follow Christ isn’t planned or predictable and it doesn’t produce preconceived outcomes. It’s like swimming upstream while rain pellets blind your path to shore. You aren’t certain how you’ll get there but when you stand on shore and have a look around, you realize the journey was worth it. The beauty He has waiting at the destination is nothing you could’ve imagined or conjured up on you own.

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Being brave for Christ is like standing on the banks of bountiful blessings you didn’t even know were yours until you chose to risk; walk right into fear of the unknown with a flicker of trust dangling from your hands to Light the way.

Even if you stumble, you may find your dream expanding into something even more enchanting than you ever imagined. ~Margaret Feinberg, Wonderstruck

Rare sunlight streams in through the solarium. It’s been eighteen months of wet and cloudy they tell us. Perhaps we’ve carried the sun from the beach in our suitcases and opened it up in England. Pink blooms on the trees multiply in three days, weighing branches down over the thick green carpet in the garden.

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We laugh until tears run down my cheeks and I’m holding my stomach. And I’m wonderstruck by it all, the way He makes life beautiful.

Are you willing to risk? When God asks will you say yes?

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This is the last installment and link-up for the book club Duane and I are hosting on Wonderstruck by Margaret Feinberg. I hope you have enjoyed the book, discussion and the stories on each of the chapters over the past few Wednesdays. Thank you for joining us.

Linking with Jennifer for Tell His Story and Emily at Imperfect Prose.



When Fear Takes Over

As I wander in a fog off the heels of our first prom weekend, I’m preparing to speak this week at Jumping Tandem: The Retreat and visit England shortly after. This post is a visit to England almost a year ago and resonates through the conglomeration that is my current reality. Yep, fear is an unwelcome relative. I’m sharing it again, in hope that it will resonate with you too, whether you read it the first time, or with new eyes today. I look forward to sharing new thoughts on Wonderstruck this Wednesday. 

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Arms wrap around shoulders and cheeks touch goodbye one last time before I crawl into the passenger seat next to H. “Go ahead and cry now, you know you want to,” he says as we back out of the driveway, young arms waving wildly on the front lawn. And I do, I want to cry . . . every time.

An anniversary trip to Europe sings joy until the suitcases of reality load in the trunk and we pull away from secure and predictable. Anxiety reminds of what I hold on to that needs letting go.

Because I can sink into the couch of a well-planned schedule – the way they like their eggs cooked,  sandwiches made, the laundry folded – and miss His pulling back the welcome curtain to the world that doesn’t look like us.

Finding security in control of the small and predictable in the everyday, it tricks me into thinking I have any control at all.

Until we touch down on English soil, walk through customs into a world of taking seats on the opposite side of experience. It’s then that fear, the invisible third person in the car, joins me as a passenger to driving on the other side of the road. We clench together stiff along the narrow, winding journey of beautiful change.

Fear whispers questions in my ear about what might happen. What if we have an accident, if he inadvertently pulls into the right lane when it should be the left? Or if we lose control driving at high speeds. What then?

And if fear sits beside me, freedom smiles next to H looking at me puzzled. Because freedom rooted in generations walking out their faith doesn’t speak the language of fear.

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Fear is my unwelcome relative, part of the family tree for generations that shows up unexpectedly to parties I host for risk and adventure. He weezles his way into crowded thoughts, plants doubt when no one is looking, then spreads out safe and secure like a picnic with a basket full of excuses.

And the only way to release him from lurking around in the kitchen of cooked up dreams is to send courage in to tell him to go home.

Courage is the humble guest that sees clear through crowded rooms of fear. He understands the purpose in risk and adventure, sacrifices Himself to get there for love.

I choose to follow Courage careening narrow along stone walls flanking green quilts dotted woolly white.  Walk over fear to the other side of predictable along cobblestone streets and underground stares.  He knows where He is going, the way to get there. And the path looks a lot like love.

The act of courage calls forth infallibly that deeper part of ourselves that supports and sustains us. ~Steven Pressfield, The War of Art

Does fear keep you from fulfilling dreams? From experiencing adventure?

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Surrender

Thy saints are comforted, I know,

And love Thy house of prayer;

I therefore go where others go,

But find no comfort there.

Oh make this heart rejoice, or ache;

Decide this doubt for me;

And if it be not broken, break,

And heal it, if it be.

~WILLIAM COWPER (English, 1731-1800)

As you walk into the weekend, may He hale a cab for you before you give up, lay crumbs of certainty when you lose your way, embrace you with a warm hug from a fellow pilgrim. And when the sign creaks, swinging in the chilly howl of night air, may the sound be a reminder that he is with you. He is faithful. Always.

Thanking God for each of you. Welcome to the Weekend Friends!