How Being Brave Changes Your Life

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“You know the reason we all know each other,” I ask during our lazy afternoon conversation, bare feet propped up on the coffee table. “Because we were all brave and said yes to living outside our comfort zone.”

We’re six sprawled out in chairs and couches huddled tightly in the living room at Hope Cottage, basking in the afterglow of Sunday dinner, fighting sleepiness to linger long in conversation. Seven years pass since we did this last time. Our family stopped through England for respite on our way home from Rwanda.

Eyebrows collectively arch, like a dash or an ellipsis in our conversation. Then suddenly, nods of agreement become contagious. I didn’t realize it until that moment. How our life choices in response to the unseen, unplanned, and uncharted opportunities in life yield the gift of enduring friendships with people scattered across the globe.

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Twenty years ago, we met for the first time on a quiet, starry night in Colorado as they stepped off the train, tired newlyweds with attractive British accents. Now we sit together laughing in their parents living room about my inappropriate use of the word yard to refer to their lush garden.

We each walked away from predictable paychecks, the security of social ties, and the familiarity of family and perceived future success to be missionaries living on the mercy of kindness. Or as full-time missionaries say, “We lived on support.”

And we learned that trust means believing that miracles are tangible for everyone, not just the chosen few. It’s what I thought of when I read Margaret’s words:

Too many of us play and pray it safe. We allow our aspirations to stay in our heads, our goals to remain barely outside our grasp. Life becomes a series of unrealized hopes and dreams. Rather than engage in the fullness of life, we remain on the sidelines and pass up uncounted opportunities. Our fears become greater than the hope of the One who came to bring us abundant life.

Perhaps this epiphany on the day H and I celebrate our twenty-third wedding anniversary is a greater gift than the silver plated trinkets tradition says that we should get. Risking reputation and security to follow Christ isn’t planned or predictable and it doesn’t produce preconceived outcomes. It’s like swimming upstream while rain pellets blind your path to shore. You aren’t certain how you’ll get there but when you stand on shore and have a look around, you realize the journey was worth it. The beauty He has waiting at the destination is nothing you could’ve imagined or conjured up on you own.

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Being brave for Christ is like standing on the banks of bountiful blessings you didn’t even know were yours until you chose to risk; walk right into fear of the unknown with a flicker of trust dangling from your hands to Light the way.

Even if you stumble, you may find your dream expanding into something even more enchanting than you ever imagined. ~Margaret Feinberg, Wonderstruck

Rare sunlight streams in through the solarium. It’s been eighteen months of wet and cloudy they tell us. Perhaps we’ve carried the sun from the beach in our suitcases and opened it up in England. Pink blooms on the trees multiply in three days, weighing branches down over the thick green carpet in the garden.

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We laugh until tears run down my cheeks and I’m holding my stomach. And I’m wonderstruck by it all, the way He makes life beautiful.

Are you willing to risk? When God asks will you say yes?

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This is the last installment and link-up for the book club Duane and I are hosting on Wonderstruck by Margaret Feinberg. I hope you have enjoyed the book, discussion and the stories on each of the chapters over the past few Wednesdays. Thank you for joining us.

Linking with Jennifer for Tell His Story and Emily at Imperfect Prose.



Blindsided

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I lived the early years of my life wearing afraid like a worn out sweatshirt hanging off my shoulder. Afraid to come home after school, dreading the descent of the long gravel driveway to the front door of the house hidden in the woods for what I might find inside.

I slept with my head underneath the covers at night sweating off the fear of being alone. Grasped the frayed ends of afraid with one hand cupped to my pajama chest and let my fingers open on brave when I told the stranger that followed my mother home to leave my house.

I walked the hallways afraid I wouldn’t measure up, make the grade, be found out or realize my dreams.

Then I left that sweatshirt lying in a heap on the back side of the dilapidated barn door of my youth. Choosing courage over staying stuck.

I pushed out my chest and held up truth to pages of lies the generations before me believed. And followed my dreams.

Because Jesus didn’t come so we could be afraid. He came so we would have life.

I woke up this morning beside the man who loves me. Kissed the kids I bore. I sat in the stillness, closed my eyes and couldn’t remember the last time I uttered the word afraid.

I’ve been blindsided by redemption.

Joining Lisa-Jo for Five Minute Friday (because it seems like that’s all the time I have right now) for the one word prompt: Afraid.

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On Manhood: A Letter To My Son

As we focus on the inauguration of our President and a holiday set aside for Martin Luther King Jr., a man representing courage, I’m thinking about leadership and what it means for me, to parent my boy into a man. 

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What do I need to tell my son about being a man? It’s what I think about as I stare at the single candle flickering in front of my brothers 8 X 10, a tight frame capturing his far-away eyes. Sometimes I know by looking, just a glimpse in the eyes, about the tale of the soul.

The way I knew her marriage wasn’t well the day she walked up to the swivel chair and looked at me in the mirror. The way I knew his heart hurt when he crawled into the passenger seat after school.

My brother’s eyes changed after he drove his mother’s car off the bridge that night.  It was my week of the summer to be his sister in real life.  After I went back home to my mother, the sibling relationship, it became a paragraph in books of stories I never read.

His body crosses into eternal, drugs invade like a thief with a key to the front door. I still remember the boy I called brother in footed pajamas, scooping chocolate refrigerator pie into his mouth at the kitchen table.

The day we got the call about my brother’s death, my son shoved four friends into lake water, blew out candles on thirteen and grew hair in new places.

And somewhere between their two lives, waves a prairie of pages scattered like tumbleweed.  Pages on the wisdom of manhood I’m collecting like a book in my mind to give to my son when he crosses the threshold.

Paragraphs that tell you how a woman will love a man deep, when he stands up for what is right and true, despite the pain of rejection and risk of reputation.

Being honorable to the watching world is more appealing than being honored. Because when you love people more than a big house, your golf score and the size of your biceps, you’ll settle into your spot in the world. The address of Fulfilled spelled out on the mailbox.

When voices shout for you to join the club of doing in order to succeed, there will pages of prose reminding you that success listens to the whisper of being.

Because affirmation, the kind that sticks like gum on the bottom of your shoe, it doesn’t happen with the applause of crowds.  It cheers from an audience of One.

And that One, He wept and asked for help from twelve people with weaknesses, just like you.

I’ll bind the strewn pages of manhood, string them tear stained leather. Slide them into your suitcase when you aren’t looking.  And perhaps when you turn around to wave goodbye, I’ll have the privilege of hearing the mother’s heart song in your eyes. Look into the reservoir that tells the tale of the soul and embrace the silence.

As we celebrate Martin Luther King Jr. today, a man with a legacy of courageous leadership, what advice would you give a boy growing into manhood?

A repost from September 2012.

When the Question You Fear Most Gets Answered

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I’ve often wondered how I would handle tragedy, trauma, life threatening circumstances if they blindsided me. Have you?

Would I curl up into a ball of darkness and seep into the wallpaper, or respond from the deep well of faith, finding joy and thankfulness amidst the struggle? And perhaps that is the question I’m asking myself. How deep is my faith, really?

Last night I screwed in one of those spiral light bulbs into my bedside lamp and it made me realize how much I take for granted. It was actually the first time I’d done it, used one of those. My husband takes good care of me, doing mundane things around the house like updating my phone, putting lamps on timers, and replacing light bulbs when they go out.

He’s out of town. It took me three days of twisting the nob on the lamp without result, to go to the closet and get a new bulb.

He was out of town the night my forehead stuck to the steering wheel while the flashing glow of emergency vehicles bounced off the windshield and the ambulance drove off with my daughter. Alone to handle many decisions in the midst of a nightmare every mother hopes she won’t have.

Breathing deeply, scrolling through my cerebral files looking for someone to call at 1:30am for help. In those moments, I heard God, like a father talks to his child:

You often feel like you need someone else to handle the hard stuff, the stuff that overwhelms you, that you don’t think you are capable of doing on your own. You think other people are more equipped than you. And I’m showing you right now, that you can do this. Because I’m with you and I’m enough.

I inhaled deep, exhaled the self-doubt and turned the key to start the engine. I chose to believe him. Because he’s never wrong.

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I stared at the fireman pushing bits of metal and plastic from the front end of my daughter’s car into the median with his broom, mustering up courage for the journey. This drive to the trauma center, I knew it was about more than just doing what any parent would do for their daughter in the wee hours of the morning under the canopy of trauma.

He was giving me opportunity to screw in the new light bulb on my faith in order to see myself more clearly.  Not just for this moment, but for the fulfillment of His future plans for me.

Sometimes we just have to say yes. Yes to pushing past fear, the unknowns, the what- if’s, the self-doubt and the inexperience.  Because uttering the holy yes illuminates the path to destiny, allows the train of His robe to fill the temple of who we are, and push our comfortable stranglehold on life right out of the way.

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When I walked into the quiet hospital room void of color, her body lying still and strapped motionless, I grew into my adult self. Unafraid of tripping on the oversize pant legs of my indecision.

Death costs nothing and life costs us everything. He revealed her value the night  He chose to spare her. And I’m a bit undone over the miracle of it all.

He shows you how valuable you are too. When He gave up everything for you.

When she walks across the room to hug me for the third time today, I notice she looks at me differently. The way I hoped she would when I held her for the first time.

We all seem to notice the new light bulbs shining from the bedside lamp of our soul. And I don’t worry about the way I’ll respond to what blindsides me anymore. I have Jesus with me. And He’s enough.

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Linking with Ann, thankful for the gift of life, the way it costs us everything, and the way He gave His life for mine. For that light bulb going out and the realization of how much of what my husband does for us is taken for granted.

With my friends Michelle, Laura, Jen, and Eileen.

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Finally Letting Go, In Your Words {Giveaway}

We started this journey on a limestone ledge overlooking the Frio, bags packed for an October of Letting Go. Thirty-one days later, I stand among overstuffed couches and chairs looking at a framed photo collage on the wall of generations. A WWII pilot standing scarved next to a Corsair, smiling about the mark he left on the world.

Next to me, one Archbishop from Africa and two from Asia look at the black and whites. I think about how generations will look at pictures of them on walls someday and tell the tale of unfailing faith that changes the spiritual landscape of nations.

Mingling with friends around the room, I find myself talking about you, the way you’re leaving your mark on the world too. About how you embrace letting go with courage and abandon. The way a blog can be an altar of sweet communion, lives transformed in swallowing the message.

And while I try to recount the ways in which God reveals himself to you from the cafeteria of comments, I think I’ll step aside, because you say it best:

I have to tell you that more than once in this series God has met me at my point of need with your topic for the day. I was wrestling with the fact that my decision to leave an abusive husband was being misunderstood by someone “important”… until I read your wise words about letting go of the need to be understood. ~Mama Sheep

Oh my this resonates with where I am right now. I wonder what it would be like if we were measured by our fruitfulness instead of productivity? Or not measured at all! Thank you for your encouragement in this Letting Go series. ~Kristin

This website is a recent discovery for me . . . it has inspired me in such a way that makes me realize we all have the same struggles, and remember that I am not alone. Sometimes that in itself is a great feat! ~Sherri

I have so enjoyed your 31 days of ‘Letting Go’! I’ve taken notes every day. I’ve learned about the many ways I hold on, trying in my own strength . . .  ~Jillie

Once again, I find God offering me a spark of hope through the journey of another.  ~Claygirlsings

(This) makes me look differently at my own life and the letting go of one phase of life while I am walking into the next. ~Evie

Though our circumstances vary, we’ve discovered that we aren’t alone in what we suffer. Because pain is common and redemption looks beautiful on everyone. Letting go, it isn’t a magic pill for happiness, it’s a process that brings us to closer to seeing our true reflection in the eyes of our Father. The revelation of the way He’s been there all along.

Can I tell you something? I didn’t have a plan beyond this theme God gave me one day in the shower. I let go of needing to have it figured out every day. And He is faithful.

I hope you’ll join me on the next leg of the adventure. We’re throwing confetti over here and blowing up balloons to celebrate.

And because Jesus Calling by Sarah Young was the muse on many days of my 31 day journey, I’m giving one away with a journal to one lucky person.  Just leave a comment to add your name to the drawing.

Nikki@Simply Striving won the Jesus Calling giveaway. Congrats Nikki!

Linking with Jennifer, Duane,WLWW , Emily and Ann.

This completes the series 31 Days of Letting Go. You can read the collective here. I’m so glad you’ve joined the journey, it’s been a great ride.

Mind the Menagerie After the Gap

People hold on to yellow painted rails above their heads as the underground train moves forward to Russell Square. I lean against the window next to the door to keep my balance. An African man stands across from me, next to two cellophane wrapped suitcases. He holds one orange plastic hanger covered with a flimsy hanging bag. I wonder how far he travelled to get to this place where he sways on the train, if this trip is his first to England.

Further down the tube, a young woman sits in the middle of a row of strangers, extends a compact mirror cupped in her hand like a prop, and gently pats makeup around her eyes with fingertips.  She pencils dark brows with the precision of an artist, drawing as if she sits on a stool in front of a private vanity.  The audience of scarfed, booted, and head phoned strangers, they evaporate under the muse of her own reflection.

The same way I evaporate as a child sitting tired at the feet of my mother on the cold tile floor of the makeup counters at Famous Barr. I am lost among the sea of purses and high heels, to the promise of beauty in a bottle.

An Asian couple squish in the corner, chewing gum in tandem, her suede booted legs swinging over his. Both wear square glasses and shadow smiles. He kisses her flushed cheek, whispers in her ear and she laughs through whispered conversation inches from his face. They embrace; kiss long as if sitting on the couch in front of the television and empty wine glasses.

I thank God for the way he brings love together, hearts joining magnet, abandoned to the tug of the watching world.

The girl with the auburn ponytail smiles at the young boy dressed skinny black tie. He explains English culture, how only poor people do that. Her long bangs swish around her fair oval face, lapis blue eyes glance away shy, down at her worn black shoes.

I remember the boy that helped me when stranded on indefinite standby in England as a college student. How he helped a vulnerable girl navigate the tube, see Buckingham Palace and find a place to lay her head at night. The way God sent kindness in a moment of panic, to explain the way things work in a culture not my own.

When I step off the train, onto the platform where the music of a lone guitarist echoes through concrete caverns, I think about how I will get in my van alone, hum the tunes of Adele and drive to the grocery store in a few days. Wonder how He will teach me to be brave when I don’t have the luxury of learning from strangers that sway in the silence of busy chaos.

Linking with Imperfect Prose, God Bumps, Walk with Him Wednesdays, WLWW, WFW, Life in Bloom, Thought Provoking Thursday.

Psst, It’s Not What you Think

Navigating conversation with my teen, it’s like walking tight rope. Words fall off for lack of generational balance, bounce below on trampoline and crumble into oblivion. I brush myself off, try a different technique and start across the thin line all over again. Once-in-a-while I make it to the other side of understanding, onto the platform of safety without a fatal fall.

When I turn around to see where I came from. How that thin line held me when doubt turned my head  down, I know His hands cupped me gentle along the way. Those are the days that give me hope, to try again. Engage the one who rolls her eyes at my questions.

And the more I engage, the more I realize that I am the pupil, learning from a portal of time and perspective that is more like the backyard pool than a ship charting seas with endless horizon. She keeps me focused on the things that float on top, not what I think swims below my feet, too deep to see or feel.

Because the deep water soul life, it swims to the surface at just the right time.  When that light sword exposes what swims in ebony waters, the gaze of the eyes all heart.

And I will be waiting, floating in my boat on top, ready to grab her hand and pull her in so we can row through those deep places together.

It’s been twenty-five years and I mingle with friends in reunion, the ones that once rolled their eyes beside me on bleachers and orange shag. The friend with the Lauren Hutton gap who invited me to be part of her family. I lived on a golf course one teenage summer, far from my house of dreams and the empty refrigerator.

She approaches me, apologizes like it haunts her every day of the twenty-five we live separated by stretches of pavement and welcome signs. Says she regrets the way she acted, how I had to move out of their house because her eyes, they rolled in a way she just couldn’t see anymore.

I didn’t even remember it. I just remembered how the breeze blew my hair in the golf cart, the feel of wet turf cooling my bare feet when we ran to the pool in our swimsuits. How we laughed in the company of Andy Gibb and the Bee Gees hanging on her yellow bedroom walls.

I told her about how grateful I was to her parents, for taking me in when my mother decided to move away. How I saw clear again, after living blurry all those years with the cockroaches and wine bottles.

She said she didn’t know that about me, that I lived that way. I took a step back and my perception stepped off the curb, fell right into the pool of splashing perspective.

I was sure I walked through the halls naked, that my peers knew what all my private parts looked like after the police came to my door the night before the tardy bell rang. But my friends, they just liked my blue pantsuit, Dorothy Hamill haircut and the way I laughed at everything.

Now when my daughter answers “I don’t know” to questions about her friends, I believe her and then I go look at the beach ball and rubber duck floating in the pool.  And I’m fine with that. Just that.

 Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity, and in sin did my mother conceive me.  Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being, and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart. Psalm 51:5-6 ESV

It’s Monday and I counting gifts today with Ann.  Won’t you join me?

  • A day with my girl shopping for her Easter dress.
  • Three boys on motorcycles doing wheelies and making us laugh.
  • An air-conditioner going out in March, instead of July.
  • The new one installed before the weather hits 90.
  • For friends who ask questions because they care.
  • Grocery shopping with H, so we can start our diet today.
  • Plans for our anniversary trip to London and Scotland and the realization we haven’t done this in twelve years. What a gift!
  • For emails, comments, tweets and texts that speak encouragement to this writer, new on the trail.

Linking with Playdates with God, Miscellany MondayOn, In, and Around Mondays,  On your Heart Tuesday, Just Write, Soli Deo Gloria.