Listen to Your Tears

rbtears

Chills form on my forearm as I lean on the door throwing kisses to H and Harrison seated in the car. The cold wind whips underneath the garage door as it makes a slow descent, marking the start of a new day.  Turning around to silence, I pick up my cup of tea steaming on the kitchen counter and sit down at my desk to read the Psalms with a blanket over my knees. And I wipe away the tears streaming down my face.

I don’t remember a day in 2012 that I didn’t cry after my family left the house to begin their day.

After four decades of walking with Christ, my idealistic view of the faithful shattered in the duplicitous actions of leaders I’d grown to love.  It took a year of wrestling with the words of David to heal. He put meaning to my grief, forming sentences from the heap of hollow holiness strewn on the doorstep of my faith.  His laments, they helped me to find hope again.

Last week, as I sat in a conference space listening to Emily Freeman say listen to your tears, I realized that there are an entirely different kind of tears I hadn’t given a second thought.

Unlike tears of sorrow, she spoke of tears that come from a place deep inside, where the heart sings. And now, instead of trying to gather myself during a sermon or wipe off the mascara before it leaves black streaks on my cheeks in a movie theater, I’m paying attention.

“It’s not enough to say a story moved you but think about what it was about that story that moved you.  That is a hint to where you are most fully alive. They are not just tears, they are tiny messengers sent to tell you, here is where your heart beats strong, a hint to your design, your image bearing identity.”  ~Emily Freeman

Days before I listened to Emily, I sat in my pajamas scrolling through the ethereal photos on the website of a gifted photographer, piling up wads of wet tissue on my desk feeling ridiculous. On another day, I used my bed sheet to wipe my face while watching a documentary on a man of faith, living joyful without the use of his legs. It’s not uncommon for me to cry while witnessing a firefighter or policeman do his/her job.

Tears, that’s probably why I’ve watched The Holiday repeatedly. If you’ve seen it, you know Cameron Diaz’ character cannot cry for years until she experiences true love.

And I realized that redemption, it moves me to tears. Watching someone live it out is an act of worship. It’s how I know when I’m most fully alive. Because every time I see redemption present in someone else, it’s a reminder of the gift in my own life. The beauty of redemption, it makes my heart sing.

This year I’m smiling my way through the Psalms and laughing about the pile of tissues on my lap.

I’m just wondering, have you thought about your tears as tiny messengers giving you hints to the way God made you to bear His image?

Linking with Michelle, Laura, Heather and Jen.

Overwhelmed By Ordinary

rbcapture

It’s come to this. I’m taking photos of my son’s shower curtain. Captivated by Light that casts glowy shadows in the rooms of my house.

Last year, I knew this kindred Psalm. Every word revealing a tributary on the face of my open palm:

I am weary with my moaning;

every night I flood my bed with tears;

I drench my couch with my weeping.

My eye wastes away because of grief;

it grows weak because of all my foes.

(Psalm 6:6-7 ESV)

 And finding simple beauty, like the way the light filters through a shower curtain, it’s what drew me back into joy. Sound crazy? Maybe you should try it.

At twilight, I push my high heels through freshly cut field wearing a new top. Sit in a borrowed zebra chair positioned next to a candelabra on a wide expanse of sodden stage; the trees our opening curtain.  And while the shutter blinks, I’m pleading with God under my breath about the stalkers, grey hatted overhead. “Please blow them away,” I beg.

And just when our hands begin to look like cherry popsicles, I see reflection of answered prayer flickering on the lens. A golden orb peeking through a wiry field of barren branches, flashing a hesitant smile before pulling up her evening covers.

“Oh, the light is so beautiful,” we sing.

And suddenly the cold doesn’t matter anymore.  We’re just captivated by the way He surprises with answers. Trying to capture what only the eyes can see; what the heart can truly behold.

When was the last time you were captivated by something ordinary?

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If you’ve meandered around here over the past few weeks, you’ve read about how I’ve started to practice true Sabbath and invited you to join me in the quest of renewal and peace. Taking time to stop and see among the busy and mundane minutiae of life. And honestly, what God is doing among us, fifty of us now, well, it’s blowing me away.

I hope you’ll come back and join us as we begin to slow down and see this weekend. It all started here. If you’re interested in joining the sisterhood – Surrendering to Sabbath Society – send me an email: shelly@redemptionsbeauty.com.

Linking with Imperfect Prose with the word prompt: Light.

Hand Over Mouth Thankfulness and Awe

We’re cozied up together with family tonight, pulling bread apart, pushing the spoon around a skillet of sizzling onions and celery for the stuffing while pumpkin and pecan cool on the counter. Passing the box of cookies sent with love to Murielle as she recovers from the accident. All rubbing our eyes at the end of some fast and furious days of fielding interruptions by claims adjusters and junk yard dogs, ironing tables cloths and standing in line at the grocery store for the third time.

The story I wrote about Murielle’s accident, the way God saved her life that night, it was selected to appear on Freshly Pressed, the WordPress.com home page where 390 million people view 3.8 billion pages a day. When there are 31.7 million new posts each month, I’m feeling a bit humbled. We’ve stood with our hands over our mouths, shaking our heads in the glory of it all. How God can take a horrific event and redeem it into a thing of beauty.

Hundreds say it’s beautiful over and over again in the comments, like a book of days declaring His faithfulness. And you just can’t plan that kind of awe.

Tomorrow, when I scoot my chair into the table of steamy turkey straight from the oven, flayed open white, I won’t worry if the gravy is lumpy, the potatoes undercooked, the decorations perfect. I will remember the day I nearly lost my only daughter. We’ll hold hands around the table and thank him that we have life, that miracles aren’t  just for fairy tales.

And I’ll thank Him for each of one of you too. For the way you’ve buoyed us in bending your knees on our behalf. Giving thanks takes on new meaning for us all this year. I’m not sure we’ll ever be quite the same. At least I hope not.

Happy Thanksgiving Friends!

When You Have More Questions Than Answers

His duvet wrinkles from sweat the night before. I pull it up and brush my hand underneath in the empty place to feel the warmth that lingers. The breath of God in the absence of the body, it calls me to worship. I want to kneel down and lean over the bed rail right there in thanks.

Don’t let me take it for granted Lord, the way a heart beats healthy and strong.

It seems I have more questions than answers on most days lately. The way locusts are leaderless insects, yet they strip the field like an army regiment; lizards are easy enough to catch, but they sneak past vigilant palace guards. (Proverbs 30-27-28)

I sit on the porch of small change, offering consolation to a friend suffering. I listen to her tiredness, and see it there, shouting for attention. The way the light shows up in my lowliness.

I’m holding phone in one hand, camera in the other trying to catch the light and keep it all in focus. My mind, my heart, my ability to see and hear stretching out in tandem.

And I think most of life’s questions wave clothes pinned on the line unanswered, like the mystery of the locust and lizard. Because silence in my need to know outcome reminds me that joy hangs in the wait of trust and eludes me in the quest for answers.

There is something beautiful in what I can’t see through.

Linking with the Five Minute Friday community with the one word prompt: Focus.

 

 

 

Morning Reflections

Morning Reflections

What is this unfolding, this slow-

going unraveling of gift held

in hands open

to the wonder and enchantment of it all?

What is this growing, this rare

showing, like blossoming

of purple spotted forests

by roadsides grown weary with winter months?

Seasons affected, routinely disordered

by playful disturbances of divine glee

weaving through limbs with

sharpened shards of mirrored light,

cutting dark spaces, interlacing creation,

commanding life with whimsical delight.

 What is this breaking, this hopeful

re-making, shifting stones, addressing dry bones,

dizzying me with blessings,

intercepting my grieving

and raising the dead all around me?

~ Enuma Okoro 

We’re walking along the Bonnechere River in morning stillness, among awakening campers tucked under broad tents and Coleman lanterns. Waving goodbye to the transcendent beauty of this place until we return again next year.

Wherever your weekend takes you, make you see His reflection in the hello of a new day.

Seeing Through the Cracks

II Corinthians 4:7, The Message

I dig my fingers into dark chocolate earth, scoop out a hole for the pungent leafy basil, cover roots and press stems firmly in its new place in the garden. And remember I am made of this earth, fired by the unforseen circumstances of life, shaped by the hands of God to hold the beauty He breathes for such a time as this.

Remembering that adorned pots of fired life -along sidewalks, pushing carts down aisles, seated in pews, behind the counter - they hold treasure within. The promise of eternal life. Happy Sunday!

Also linking with Scripture & Snapshot and Fresh Brewed Sunday

Surprised by Redemption

Sage green corduroys and bell-bottom jeans with frayed ends hang next to the three shirts in the empty closet.  All of thirteen and I stare at them like paintings I am tired of looking at on my wall. It isn’t until my mother catches me going through her drawer to find something different to wear to school, that she realizes I only have five pieces of clothing.

My mother wakes up with bags under her eyes and swollen fingers from the manual labor she does at the shoe factory on most days.  I sit on the edge of her bed; weave my fingers through the cigarette holes in the blanket while we talk.  Reassure her that I still love her, even after the events of the night before.

The guilt lingers over her like the sour smell of cheap wine and ash trays lying around the house.

We eat a lot of boxed macaroni and cheese. Trips to the grocery store make my stomach hurt when we push the cart down the liquor aisle. But all that changes the day she decides to go see the Reverend Bill Cunieo.

The first time I met Bill, I sat in a pleather chair next to my mother in a church office that smelled of Old Spice aftershave.  His smile, like the crisp collared shirt he wore. Every hair slicked back perfectly, sitting stiff behind his brown particleboard desk.

I was sure he would get tired of us like everyone else. Wear that hospitable Christian smile, and then weary from the neediness we wore like rags. He proved me wrong.

After that meeting, my mother and I began attending church regularly. I exhaled a bit easier, worried less about the frenetic afterschool scenes.

When we moved away from that small Midwestern town a short time later, all those connections ended like the internet dropping in the middle of an upload.  Until one blustery day in a hotel room in Greensboro, North Carolina, thirty years later.

After H’s responsibilities in front of the crowds finish in the grand ballroom, we kick off our shoes.  Change into jeans, grab the wine opener and welcome friends into our suite. Laugh until the eyes see blurry and then do it again the next evening.

During one of those gatherings, in my socked feet, I extend my hand to welcome the Air Force chaplain I heard about from H over a dinner conversation.

“Steve Cunieo,” he says as he shakes my hand firmly.

Memories filed away decades ago suddenly open to a tab forgotten in the familiar tone of his voice. Words roll off my tongue like I am in a magician’s trance. “I once had a pastor by that name Cunieo,” I recall, “at a little church in Missouri called Faith Assembly of God.”

He looks down, then back up with a smile and says, “That’s my Dad.”

I take a step back, lean onto the back of a chair and my chest rises and falls heavy.  I can’t decide if I want to laugh or cry. And now all eyes in the room are on us, including those of my daughter, tucked next to her Grandma on the couch.

We went to the same church in a town I would just as soon forget. Moreover, his Dad, he introduced me to Jesus. What are the chances we would meet here in this hotel room in North Carolina? That my husband is his endorser.

So I asked him again.  Just to make sure.

Steve admits his Dad often questions the fruit from his time at that little church.  Says he grapples with wondering why God had him there.

He steps out of the room into the hallway, dials his Dad on his cell phone, hands it to me.

I remind Bill of the house where we lived, the one at the top of a dead end street with tilted floors and cockroaches crawling out of the walls.  He remembers it. The one he visited with a bag of groceries under his arm a time or two.

Maybe it gave that humble man, the one who made Jesus so desirable, some comfort knowing my life took a divine bend on the journey because of his faithfulness to the call of God.

Nothing is lost in this life.  Every minute, every word, every circumstance is useful in God’s divine plan. Because God calls out the beauty of our redemption in the most unexpected places, to extract the best of who we are.

Have you been surprised by redemption?

This story is a repost, rewritten for today’s link-up with God Bumps and God Incidences.

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