Giving Up On Perfect {Why I Need Your Help}

June 17, 2013 by 29 Comments

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Above my desk, hangs a memory board holding a collection of train tickets for the London underground, a ticket to Westminster Abbey, a white ribbon memento from my brother’s funeral with gold letters declaring: Who I Am Makes a Difference, the blue tail feathers of a parrot once owned by an artist friend, a faded photo of myself at three years old standing over my birthday cake frosted white.

The centerpiece of the nostalgic collection is a crude water color of a solitary tree standing in water painted by my son several years ago; a study in brown. I’m drawn to its simplicity, the imperfections of splattered paint dots in white space, like rain spitting on my camera lens during a shoot.

It reminds me of a season dabbling in watercolors some years ago. When my children were in grade school and a new artist friend invited me to her tree house for weekly painting sessions in exchange for the price of conversation and mason jars full of water.

Drawn toward bleeding color and imprecise images is what moved me to the medium. The freedom of imperfection is the same thing I love about my son’s art.

It’s also what closed the lid on my paint palette several years ago.

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I began to look at nature with an invisible frame around it, taking memory photos of the way clouds melt into the sky, the verdant hues of a copse under a canopy of cloud shade at high noon. Comparing the brush of God to pigment in a tube left my attempts at manipulation hollow.

But I don’t give up easily.

I enrolled in a workshop with a visiting artist offered through a local art store and took a few drawing lessons with a church friend in preparation. My drawing skills were lacking. I didn’t want to look foolish to the other artists.

At the end of the first day, I collected my paintbrushes; palette smeared with an array of vibrant colors, the beginning of my violet pansies and crawled into my mini-van. Instead of going home, I pulled into an empty parking lot at the edge of the Atlantic and wept.

I was humiliated by my own perfectionism.

Moments before, I sat in the back of the room, slumped over my art on the edge of tears. The artist leading the workshop bent over the table, looked in my eyes and told me that she could identify with my struggle.  Colors bleeding into a mud puddle on the page, it was a metaphor for my emotional state. In the end, my painting resting on the display easel for the class critique turned out to be mostly her work.

I felt like a fraud.

But I couldn’t put my finger on what it was that day that made me feel hollow and vulnerable. Until I read this recently:

Perfectionism is self-destructive simply because perfection doesn’t exist. It’s an unattainable goal. Perfectionism is more about perception than internal motivation, and there is no way to control perception, no matter how much time and energy we spend trying. ~Brene Brown, Daring Greatly

That fist in the gut? I realized I’m doing this now, when I write. My admission of a self-editing frenzy on Facebook the other day would have been more honestly stated, “I’m shackled by perfectionism, and it’s killing my creativity and sending me into the downward spiral of shame.”

Even the admission here feels a bit like a virgin standing up in front of the classroom naked. I want you to think I’ve got this figured out, that I’m confident and resilient. Instead of being stuck in regret and self-criticism, I’m cutting the string to the balloon of my perfectionism, letting the wind carry it where it will.  My hands are sore and calloused from holding it up in the changeable, uncertain winds of your perceptions.

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The most beautiful art, your art and mine, comes from the unplanned splatters of imperfection that Jesus died for. He looks you in the eyes and says, “I identify with you.”

How do we let go of perfectionism?

Stop being so hard on yourself.

Remind yourself you are not alone in feeling inadequate.

Take your thoughts captive and submit them to Christ.

And then tell a friend to keep you accountable, like I just did right here with you.

Art, among all the tidy categories, most closely resembles what it is like to be human. To be alive. It is our nature to be imperfect. To have uncategorized feelings and emotions. To make or do things that don’t sometimes necessarily make sense. Art is all just perfectly imperfect. ~Nicholas Wilton, Founder of Artplane Method as quoted in Daring Greatly.

Linking with Laura, Michelle, Jen, Heather, Jennifer, and Emily.

 

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Why Summer Sabbath Isn’t the Same – Week 23

June 14, 2013 by 8 Comments

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Sand spits on the back of my legs; shells pulverize beneath my tread as I keep up with her pace. Sweat drips down my back and seeps into the white Monet t-shirt I bought as a souvenir from the National Gallery of Canada before I had kids. Did I mention they are teenagers?

We’re two girlfriends meeting on a week day at the beach, before tourists monopolize the public parking spaces and the heat smothers. Before showers and makeup, cups of tea and checking off the to-do list, we walk briskly along the shore in tandem watching the golden orb lift her sleepy head to welcome the day.

We share ideas about navigating summer schedules with teens through shallow breaths. Years of complaining about kids not sleeping converts to worry about them sleeping too much. Asking questions I never dreamt I would hear from my own mouth. Is it okay to let them sleep until noon? And how late is too late when it comes to bedtime?

If I’m totally honest, there is a part of me that wants them to keep sleeping. I like having quiet mornings all to myself. And it means fewer hours of guilt about having zero plans for them. Did I mention they are teenagers?

Sometimes summer is seamless and swift, like one big siesta you don’t want to end. But it’s not that way for everyone.

While summer is a season to make confetti of schedules and justify indulgences, it can also be a time of dreaded isolation. A whole lot of rest from routine means a wide berth for loneliness to fill in the empty edges. Edges normally crowded with responsibilities and casual conversation on the sidelines.

And Sabbath can start to feel like one more day, just like all the others.

How do we maintain the sweetness of Sabbath when routine isn’t routine? I asked Mark Buchanan.

 First, I try to cultivate a Sabbath heart – an attentiveness to, thankfulness toward, and trust in God. This allows me to practice the presence of God regardless of where I am. Second, I try to schedule mini-Sabbaths – an hour here, two there, maybe half a day – simply to enjoy the creation and its creator. ~Mark Buchanan, Author of The Rest of God: Restoring Your Soul by Restoring Sabbath

Perhaps these two practices are the prescription for summertime sadness of the soul, with a caveat. Admit you are lonely to a friend.

Do you ever feel isolated in the summer?

May your Sabbath begin and end with the knowledge that isolation may lead to loneliness but it doesn’t mean you are alone. That God may be silent, but he is never still. Remember that your vulnerability isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s a confirmation of courage, a whisper of welcome to a world waiting for a sign of hope.

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Links around the web this week on the themes of Rest and Sabbath (maybe its becoming hip to rest):

Don’t Just Do Something by Mark Buchanan

Sandcastles on the Same Side of the Ocean at Unexpected – “Our family is a process, always in process.  I’m never sure how many chairs on the beach we’ll need the next year.”

Being a Closet Radical at Every Bitter Thing is Sweet – “To choose true rest is to believe that beauty often happens outside of what I create with my own two hands.”

What It Looks Like to Have a Cyber Sabbath by Holley Gerth for {In}Courage – “Yes, I need the actual rest on my Cyber Sabbath. But I need the lesson it teaches me about the other six days even more.”

The Value in Catching Your Breath by Deidra Riggs – “We — as is our custom — have tainted the idea of sabbatical. We’ve made it a break from one type of work, in order to attend to another type of work.”

A Life Full of Sabbaths by Lore Ferguson – “But at its core and its very marrow, the work of salvation is rest, Sabbath. It is to say, again and again and again, I rest in You, Lord of Rest. I find my Sabbath in you, Lord of the Sabbath.”

 

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When You Think You Aren’t Enough

June 11, 2013 by 54 Comments

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“Jen Hatmaker’s going to be on the Today Show this morning, do you know her,” H asked me through the suds of toothpaste and the purr of his electric toothbrush. I was standing at the sink, pulling my headphones out of my ears, sweat dripping down my back after an early morning walk.

“Oh, she is,” I said excitedly, “I love her and no, I don’t know her the way you are asking. I’m sure it’s about her blog post that went viral.”

H knows my writing friends by name now, though he’s never met any of them in person.  It isn’t uncommon for him to read something on-line or in this case on television and recognize a writer’s name, then ask me if I know them. I take the liberty of showing him photos when the opportunity arises. It helps lessen the confusion when I talk about more than one person who shares the same name.

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That’s what happened over the weekend, when we meandered through Barnes and Noble after eating salads on tall chairs and people watching behind our sunglasses. We were on a rare date night when I spotted Heather Kopp’s new book, Sober Mercies, stacked on a table among others. “Here’s Heather,” I said pointing to her picture on the inside jacket, “this is her new book, I can’t wait to read it.”

Then I pulled my phone from my purse, took an Instagram, shared it on Facebook and Twitter and tagged Heather in it. You knew that was coming, right?

As I scan the shelves of two small rows holding stacks of Christian titles, I realize that I know many of the authors personally since I started blogging just under two years ago. I’ve shared my writing on their websites, conversed through email, Skyped and texted with a few, even hugged the necks of some.

So why do I feel disconnected? Or is it that I fear disconnection?

“Oh look, there is Holley’s book,” I say pointing to You’re Made for a God Sized Dream on the top row. I turn the cover facing it outward on the shelf. “Ya know, the Christian writing world is actually quite small isn’t it?”

H nods; arches his eyebrows and smiles. Not front page news to him.

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Sometimes I get caught up squinting through a porthole and miss standing in front of the picture window.

The same way I lose perspective when I falsely imagine the lives of other people and decide that I’m not enough in comparison.

Because when we compare ourselves, we are rarely enough.

Good enough.

Smart enough.

Spiritual enough.

Skinny enough.

Worthy enough.

Sexy enough.

Strong enough.

You fill in the blank. I’m not _________ enough. Because we all have the blanks you know? That’s one of the fallacies of not enough-ville. We think everyone else is enough and we got the leftovers. Or we just got left, period. Or passed over.

There is a tendency for me to build an entire landscape from a patch of my own near-sighted perspective. And miss the truth.

In God’s economy, we are enough.  Because He is enough.

Forget that? Yeah, me too.

So how do we reclaim what we know to be true? That we are enough, just the way we are today, sitting bare faced with two day old hair in pajamas at noon.

We don’t allow circumstances to bully us.

We tell ourselves the truth by steeping in The Truth.

And we talk to someone that we trust who will empathize with us. Not someone who will tell us what we want to hear or rush to fix. Just empathize and pray.

It’s in the place of community that our slanted perceptions right themselves and become clear pathways of perspective. And we become who God created us to be. Enough.

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Sometimes empathy comes in a nod or the vulnerable Facebook status update of a blogger after an interview on the Today Show who says, “You guys! I did it! And I didn’t die! I was wearing dirty clothes, but whatever. Russell Brand and I chatted in between his trips to the bathroom to throw up. The hosts were AWESOME. I was a giant she-man among them. They are tiny people. Yay, Today Show!!”

And empathy can show up in your inbox too. Words of a friend who just happens to be the author of the book you held in your hands at a bookstore. The one who believes in you and your writing and tells you the truth:

I think as writers we make the mistake to think that if God is asking us to do something that he will then prove it by making it easy. He will prove it by making it successful. He will prove it by letting it happen quickly and feel like a miracle–TaDa! We think our sweet spot is the same thing as our comfort zone and the two have nothing to do with each other, you know?

Yes, I know. I’m grateful for the reminder.

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This post is inspired by the first four chapters of Daring Greatly by Brene Brown and is linked with SheLoves Magazine for their Reclaim series, Laura, Jen, Jennifer, and Emily.

 

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In Which I Reveal What’s On My Nightstand – Week 22

June 7, 2013 by 27 Comments

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I’m hungry to learn and grow in the craft of writing so I read books with a great deal of tenacity.

A few days ago, I pulled my paperback copy of The Glass Castle by Jeanette Walls off my bookshelf in the family room to re-read it. Sometimes when I’m writing, I study books like my kids study their notes for tests. The Glass Castle is a memoir and I happen to be writing my own. When an agent told me recently that my writing reminds him of Walls, I decided to open it back up again.

I’ve noticed that some of the books I’m re-visiting have old boarding passes in them that I used for bookmarks. This one happened to have an itinerary for my last trip to Rwanda stuck between the pages. Seeing it brought back cherished memories.

For me, books are like boarding passes to sacred portals of the heart waiting for my undivided attention. I know that I won’t be the same after giving myself over to the pages. I’ll be better. And because of that, I want to share them with you, my friends.

Here are a few titles currently laying on my nightstand, strewn about the coffee table and couch, and stacked on my desk beside the computer. I’ll carry one of these to the beach this weekend, if the rain stops.

Books I just finished and loved:

The Unlikely Pilgrimage of Harold Frye by Rachel Joyce – It’s charming and English and Joyce’s first novel. And for those who know me, you know I could have stopped at the word English, right?

The Light Between Oceans by M.L. Stedman – I couldn’t put this one down, it’s so well written. And it’s her first novel. Mix the coastline of Australia, a handsome lighthouse keeper, romance and mystery with the fact that the author lives in London . . . need I say more?

Books I’m currently reading and really like so far:

Daring Greatly by Brene Brown – the sub-title sums up the content: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. I’m savoring it. It’s revolutionizing my thinking. I’m also enjoying an on-line discussion about the content. If you are interested in joining us, let me know in the comments.

The Right to Write by Julia Cameron – love, love, love this book. My friend and faithful follower, Lynn Morrisey gifted this book to me while at the Jumping Tandem Retreat, right after Michelle DeRusha mentioned it in her workshop. She brought it from home and didn’t know Michelle was going to recommend the book. I’d call that divine providence, wouldn’t you? I think this book would be a great resource for a writer’s small group. It has writing exercises at the end of each short chapter.

Books I Can’t Wait to Crack Open:

The Orchardist by Amanda Coplin – It’s her debut novel (I’m seeing a pattern here) based in the Pacific Northwest and it’s already haling Best Book of the Year from notables. I’d be less than honest if I didn’t tell you that I might have picked it for the beautiful cover art and deckle-edge pages. It’s just not the same on a Kindle, sorry.

The Priory by Dorothy Whipple – Picked this up at my favorite bookstore, Persephone, on my trip to England last month. I read her Someone at a Distance and became an instant fan. And yes, the setting for the book is in England (I’m seeing a pattern here too, are you surprised?)

Books on Sabbath:

As I wander into Sabbath, I’m in a constant state of re-reading The Rest of God by Mark Buchanan. Probably why I’ve given two copies away this week. If you missed his guest post on the blog Wednesday, do yourself a favor and go over there right now. I’m also reading a new one, The Sabbath World: Glimpses of a Different Order of Time.

Okay, all this writing and linking is wearing me out. I’m ready for Sabbath aren’t you?

So tell me, what’s on your nightstand that you’ll want to put in your carry-on this summer? I’d love to know. There’s always room for one more.

May you savor the gift of rest, like losing yourself in the pages of a good book. Allow yourself to sink in to the story that’s already been written for this day without needing your edits. And remember that the best part of a story, your story, is not knowing how it will end, but in the journey toward Home.

Happy Sabbath Friends!

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Don’t Just Do Something

June 5, 2013 by 80 Comments

Mark Buchanan

I’m thrilled to host one of my all-time favorite authors and Sabbath-keepers – Mark Buchanan. I mean who doesn’t like a pastor who rides a Harley and loves Jesus? He is a Professor of Pastoral Theology at Ambrose Seminary in Calgary and the author of seven books, including The Rest of God: Restoring Your Soul by Restoring Sabbath (Thomas Nelson, 2005). I’m giving away one copy of The Rest of God to one lucky person who leaves a comment. Mark’s books have not only shaped my spiritual pilgrimage but also provide weekly inspiration for the Sabbath Society. Please give Mark a warm welcome.

I became a Sabbath-keeper by being a Sabbath-breaker. Restlessness was killing me. I tried to solve the universal problem of too much to do with too little time by just getting busier, driving harder, working longer. And for a while, it worked. Greater effort translated into higher production.

And then it didn’t. Past a point, the faster I went, the further behind I fell. The harder I toiled, the less I accomplished. And even when this self-task-mastering continued to produce results – an increased quota of bricks! – my pleasure in the accomplishment was nil. The fruit of all my heroic effort was bitterness.

In economics, this is called the law of diminishing returns. In the spiritual life, it’s called stupid.

Pop open your Bible to the 10 commandments – Exodus 20 or Deuteronomy 5. Scan down the page. Look at, say, the 6th commandment, the prohibition against murder. Now the 7th, the admonishment against adultery.

How many words does God take to warn us clear of such things? Depending on the translation, 3 to 5.

Now look at the 4th commandment, the call to Sabbath-keeping. How many words does God use? Depending on the translation, anywhere from 95 to 120.

It seems God is trying to make a point. I think it might be this: really pay attention to my gift of rest. Receive it. Enjoy it. Bask in it. Delight in it. Treasure it. Make it a high priority. Oh, and also, don’t kill people, steal from people, sleep with other people’s spouses, covet their stuff, that sort of thing. But I don’t need to say too much about all that, as long as you’re well rested. Just keep Sabbath, and Sabbath will keep you.

The irony is that most Christians who wouldn’t dream about breaking the 6th commandment routinely break the 4th.  No Christian would publically confess to adultery, but I often hear Christians bragging or lamenting that they haven’t had a day off in 3 weeks.

And then we wonder why we’re so angry, lustful, covetous, and the like.

I’m going to ask you to do us all a favor: get some rest. Take Sabbath. Receive the day. It’s about the least selfish thing you can do. It will make you more productive, more creative, more pleasant to be around.

And you’ll be less likely to kill somebody.

That’s a good gift to a hurting world.

So, really, don’t just do something. Stand there. Or even better, go lie down.

Mark BuchananMark Buchanan and his wife Cheryl live on Vancouver Island in British Columbia, and are soon moving to Calgary, Alberta. They have three children. Educated at UBC and Regent College, Mark is a pastor, professor, speaker, and the author of seven books as well as the forthcoming novel, David. He has also written numerous articles for Christianity Today, Faith Today, Leadership Journal, Discipleship Journal, Conversations, Seven and several other magazines. He enjoys scuba diving, fishing, and motorcycles.

Are you a Sabbath-keeper? What keeps you from taking a day of rest? Join the Sabbath Society, more than 100 people who say, “I’m all in,” when it comes to observing a day of rest and receive weekly encouragement delivered quietly to your inbox. Leave a comment on today’s post to enter a drawing for Mark’s book, The Rest of God. A winner will be announced on Friday.

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On Distraction {And Why It May Be Your Best Friend}

June 3, 2013 by Leave a Comment

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Lately, distraction is my closest companion.

I sit down to look up an address on-line and before you know it, I’ve read three blog posts, checked my email, responded to a Facebook message and updated my status three times. When I get up, walk into the kitchen to pour myself a third cup of tea, I realize that I have forgotten to look up the address. So I start over.

The pen and letter still lay on the table where I left them, next to a half-written blog post, the grocery list, and the pile of laundry I started folding. Two hours ago.

My doctor says distraction is a symptom of the season of life I’m in, so I’m blaming it on my hormones. That is, until I heard Patrick Lencioni speak from the stage at the Royal Albert Hall in London a few weeks ago. What he said changed my mind about the guilt I place on myself regarding distraction, the way it stalls my day and keeps me from being productive.

And true to my current state, I was so distracted by his admission; I only remember one thing he said after that.

I’m over at BibleDude.net today on my column Living the Story. Will you follow me over there to read the rest of this story? I think you might be surprised about what I tell you. Click here and leave a comment to let me know you were there.

 

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When God Uses Foolish Things to Get Your Attention – Week 21

May 31, 2013 by 3 Comments

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I took the empty seat on the faded bench. The cacophony of mechanical brushes annoyed me but I wanted the fresh air. Even at a car wash, outside air on a sunny day feels good. There were people standing up with arms folded, leaning on rickety railing, others seated around a picnic table; all awkwardly quiet, like statues waiting for their keys to shake them back to life.

While scrolling through emails on my phone, a woman filled the empty place on the bench next to me. Her Pug plopped his squishy face down on the concrete between his paws in resignation. I expected him to sniff my feet, wait for my hand to swipe his flat head, something.

“He’s such a good dog,” I said to her. She was holding his red leash against her chest. The yellow armholes of her tank top rose above her bra straps, the color vibrant against her crimson lipstick.

“He’s a working dog,” she said, “he goes with me everywhere. He’s even been on tv. He’s traveled all over Europe, eaten with me at the finest restaurants in Paris, he stood next to me when I saw the Mona Lisa. You know it’s not as big as you think it is.”

She held up her hands showing me the approximate size of the frame, the leash handle dangling around her thumb.

I didn’t know the Mona Lisa was that small.

I didn’t know Pugs were working dogs. Or they cared about seeing Stonehenge.

She said she has all kinds of health problems and her dog, Remy, barks when he knows something is wrong. “He just knows,” she said, “but he doesn’t like black dogs for some reason, they get him riled up.”

I was glad no one with a black Lab needed their car washed.

The dog saw Europe from the seat of a stroller and Trudy said that everywhere she went people wanted to take Remy’s picture. It wasn’t until someone asked her how long the dog had been crippled that she realized why they were taking his photograph. They felt sorry for him. Or maybe they just thought it was strange to see a dog in a stroller.

I told her that I had actually seen quite a few dogs in strollers a couple weeks ago in England. And then I pulled out my phone and took Remy’s photo.

“What did you think of England,” she said, scrunching up her nose.

“I love it,” I told her, “it feels like home away from home to me.”

Her hands went up in the air like she was shooing flies. “Two weeks was enough for me in England, but my daughter-in-law lives there, maybe that’s why I don’t like it.”

Well, what do you say to that?

“I think you’re brave,” I told her. “Travelling all over Europe and planning your next excursion with all those health problems.”

She told me her husband died in January and she thought she might as well go while she has the time and means. “If I die on the plane, I’ll die knowing I lived the life of a queen,” she said smiling, “I just hope Remy doesn’t go before I do. I’m not sure how I’ll make it without him.”

I counted on my fingers, then told her my dog Winston died a year and half ago. I still miss him.

When I crawled back into my car, the air conditioning blowing wildly from all the knobs being turned crazy with wet rags, the radio station blared country music. I put the gear shift in drive and left the twang on. And realized that our desires, the things we love, they aren’t random or common. They’re God-given. For such as time as this.

Embracing who you are, the way God made you, it’s worship.

May your weekend be full of knowing that you don’t have to agree in order to love someone, or be loved by them. Remember that the way you live your life is an inspiration to more than just your best friend. You don’t have to follow the crowd to realize your dreams. God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise.

Happy Sabbath Friends!

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For some inspired reading by those who embraced who they are this week:


Worst End of School Year Mom Ever by Jen Hatmaker – if you haven’t read this yet, you may be the only one. Prepare to laugh your head off.

On Bears Named Bob Costas and Other News of the Week by Ashley Larkin – she referred to this as a brain dump. I call it funny, honest, and brilliant.

All the Missing Pieces by Christie Purifoy – She is quickly becoming one of my new-to-me favorite writers. I feel like she is eavesdropping on my life every time I read her.

Girlfriend is Better by Zena – her blog is new to me and I was captivated by the first thing I read. This is what she says in her bio: “my oldest child has down syndrome and her life across the dinner table reminds me every night that god chooses the weak things of the world to shame the wise.” I thought it interesting that this is the scripture verse God gave me for the weekend. Yes, he does speak, often in quiet echoes.

How to Fall in Love. Again. By Lisa Jo Baker – she has me nodding and thinking about my marriage, in a good way.

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